When I got home that night as my husband served dinner, I held his hand and said, "I've got something to tell you". He sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the curiosity in his eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let him know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. He didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead Harry asked me softly, "why"?
I avoided his question. This made Harry angry. He threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "you are not a man!" That night, we didn't talk to each other. Harry was weeping. I knew he wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give him a satisfactory answer he had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love Harry anymore. I just pitied him.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that he could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. Harry glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The man who had spent ten years of his life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for his wasted time, resources, and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally he cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me Harry cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found him writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep quickly after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, He was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning Harry presented his divorce conditions: He didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. He requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Harry's reasons were simple. Our son had his exams in a month's time and he didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But he had something more, he asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day. He requested that every day for the month's duration I carry him out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought he was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted his odd request.
I told Jane about my husbands divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks he applies, he has to face the divorce" she said scornfully.
My husband and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried Harry out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "Daddy is holding daddy in his arms". His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with him in my arms. He closed his eyes and said softly "Don't tell our son about the divorce". I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put Harry down outside the door. He went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. He leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of Harry's jumper. I realized that I hadn't looked at this man carefully for a long time. I realized harry was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on his face, his hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on him. For a minute I wondered what I had done to him.
On the fourth day, when I lifted harry up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the man who had given ten years of his life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry him as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
Harry was choosing what to wear one morning. He tried on quite a few suits but could not find a suitable one. Then he sighed, all my suits have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that he had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry him more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... he had buried so much pain and bitterness in his heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched his head.
Our son came in at the moment and said "Dad, it's time to carry dad out". To him, seeing his father carrying his father out had become an essential part of his life. My husband gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held him in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. His hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held his body tightly it was just like our wedding day.
But Harry's much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held Harry in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held him tightly and said "I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy". I drove to my office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her "Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore."
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry Jane" I said, "I won't have the divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because Harry and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried him into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold him until death do us apart". Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my Harry. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart."
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my husband in the bed-dead. My Harry had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. He knew that he would die soon and he wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son, I'm a loving husband... Now my Harry is an angel up in the sky.