marriage trial \ j. jaehyun

xiii.

| 12:23 pm

+ aera.

A day after the incident, Jaehyun had to fly to London for a business event with some foreign companies and would be staying there for 5 days. He had to go with that model-girl though, i knew because she was there when Jaehyun picked me up that morning to drop me off work before they head to the airport. Somehow, an unsettling feeling bothered me just thinking of thatㅡ unsettling feeling as in jealousy, and it's not nice to feel that way because even though i like him, i dont have the right to be freaking jealous. that's why i stubbornly decided to prevent myself to be any more attached to him because one, he probably doesnt feel the same way. two, its too soon to be feeling like this with just a span of months. three, im not assured of anything yet, i cant afford getting hurt again and fourth, because im just hopeless like that.

But its such a hard task to prevent any more feelings to develop when Jaehyun constantly calls me during the day despite the time difference, checking up on me, reminding to eat on time and take breaks and letting me talk about my day. It seems impossible because of the way Jaehyun's voice sound so excited when its his turn to talk about his day, talking about how he's happy that he can rant about his work to me and that he always looks forward to talking to me because that's the only time he can relax and be himself (cause he said his work kind of suffocate and make a robot out of him), also casually expressing a couple of times that he wants to go home because he 'misses' me. Its not easy to avoid him when he always sends stupid photos of him pouting as if he's blowing a kiss everytime we put an end to the call with 'talk to you later' or 'goodnight'. My resolve almost broke when i realized distancing from him is useless because my heart is such a rebel and still wants him. And with that, i already know im doomed, im falling for him more than i intend to, and i am falling hard.

When he came back from his trip, I chose not to see him and made up an excuse that i have work papers to do and im going to work on it the whole day just so he he wont have lunch and dinner with me. The next day, i got lucky because he's busy, his schedule is hectic and most of them are urgent meetings so he cant meet up with me. he apologized for not being availabe in which i felt bad for because he's genuinely sorry while i was so happy about it cause i didnt have to think of an excuse to avoid him.

And now, I am currently sitting across Chaeyoung at lunch. She peers over my phone on the table as soon as it started vibrating and frowns when she sees i declined the call, “did the two of you fight?” i shake my head, “no.” her brow raised immediately, “then why'd you declined the call?” opening my mouth, i was about to give her an answer when she cuts me off, “first off, i haven't see you hung out with him ever since he landed from his trip a few days ago. then, i heard you making up excuses just so he can't come over, have lunch with you or pick you up from work. now, you're not answering his calls. and you still call this nothing?”

I sighed defeatedly when she gives me that look, “i.. kind of dont want to see him right now.” she suddenly looks worried, “why? did something happen?”

“no.. this is not about him.” chaeyoung frowns, clearly not understanding what i am saying, “then why are you avoiding him?” i covered my face with both of my hands as i mumble, “because im feeling things that i shouldn't feel towards him and it's fucking scaring me.”

“falling for someone isn't scary, aera.” she tries to convince me otherwise, “it's not scary when you have the assurance that they like you too. unfortunately, it's not the same for me.” i deadpan before continuing, “and it's not even the falling that scares me, it's the thought that what if he doesnt feel the same way? what if he wont ever feel the same way? then i'd end up hurt again and it would hurt me a lot.”