Blue Howard (boyxboy)

Not even in dreams

Time goes by so quickly. There is always too much homework or I'm just being lazy and unmotivated.

Well, I hope you are not disappointed. I really do. 

And if you are, let me know. 

And if you are excited, let me know.

Happy reading : )

Chapter 22 – Not even in dreams

I avoid Anton at all costs. It's the best I can do, because facing him means facing my fears, getting hurt, being forced into telling the truth, because I can't keep pretending any longer.

Even if I want to tell him about Lorcan, and what he did, I shouldn't. I mustn't.

The classes go by slowly. But at least I won't see Anton there, because I skip the class we would have together. And at lunch I find a quiet place to hide. I tell Jocelyn to bring me food. She told Anton that I wasn't feeling okay, and that she'll take whatever she can with her, so I can at least eat something.

He believed her. He trusted her. He trusted me. I lied. We all lie. It's a constant line of lies. A chain reaction – one lie equals two lies, equals four.

I don't see him. As soon as the class ends, I rush to Jocelyn's. I look at my phone and there are three missed calls.

I'll tell him that I didn't hear if he happens to ask. I'll tell that my phone ran out of battery. I'll tell that I couldn't find it, because it was on mute.

He'll believe me.

And that's what makes it even harder. It's easy for him to believe me, because he trusts me.

Part of me wants him to fight back.

The thing about glass is that it breaks. If it's a mirror, then you'll have seven years of unhappiness. When it's just glass, pieces of it, it supposedly brings you luck.

It's not the same for one's heart. If it breaks, it breaks. You need to let it break. You'll only wound your hands if you try to hold the pieces together. It slices the skin, it leaves scars. Let it break.

I will break.

That night I am drunk. It starts in the evening with me and Jocelyn listening to music and her opening a wine bottle, me refusing to have glass and ending up having drunk it all. Or what was left of it.

She telling me that it's going to be okay, that I am a good friend, that lovers will find their way back to each other, that even though she hates it, she still loves Lorcan.

And I forget when we switched topics, I forget when she mentioned Lorcan the first time. Suddenly, she's talking about him, and I am drifting off to somewhere.

It might be a land where they use fairy dust to cover the lies and the hurt, and dance along the tunes that elves play; it might be a land where every person is a clown – face painted white with a red happy smile; it might be a land that is black and white, where you can see borders, where you can run your finger along the line and you can clearly see where the bad is, where the good lies (get it? the good lies)

Even the good people lie. Even the bad tell the truth. Even the jokers say thing they sincerely mean, but people usually brush it off.

'I'm shy' – translate that into feelings and you get 'My mind is over thinking everything, and if I take that step I might fall and break my leg, I might start to fall and grab someone's shirt and they might fall instead of me. I might hurt someone, and I'm scared of hurting myself. But what if I think that's (love) what I want? What if I don't? And I take that step, and the other person will fall for me, and by then I might have decided to give up and move on. It's my entire fault then."