don't let the doctor in, i wanna blow off steam

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since this is technically a rant thing, i don't feel like explaining everything rn. just, i was reading these books recently. in one, the main character doesn't understand emotions all to well and he gets so frustrated and confused at how his best friend just knows things about emotions like how someone feels or what to do or stuff like that. i related a lot to him and maybe that shouldn't be a good thing. then, there was another book where this character was very intellectual when it came to all kinds of stuff. he was a bit more emotionally mature/intelligent. but there'd be a lot of times where he'd space out, lose his train of thought, feel like his life wasn't his own, like he was putting up a front for a bit. it was all stuff that i related to very heavily, again, probably not a good thing. and, finally, another book had a different character. he had been taught, since a young age, to always consider others feelings above your own. while i was told that it was okay to be selfish sometimes, those were mainly when it came to playful fighting or what kind of food i like. the character didn't really know anything of his favorites and always just suggested that they put on/get whatever they wanted, not him. and thats something i heavily relate to, i'm always like that and i can never decide on my favorite for anything. then, he always felt like he was failing them, like it was always his fault, no matter what, and he took bad habits from his parents and applied them in a way that he thought was helping. again, i related a little too much.

(there's also been a number of characters that were in disbelief at how open and honest certain people can be with each other or they change their personality to please the other people and unfortunately, that's me. i don't like opening up, i don't like being vulnerable, i like having control over the situation, over myself and how they perceive me.)

so idk, do with hat ad you will, i'm just very highly upset rn and i've been trying to calm down before i crash land, trying to make it all better, but some people just aren't making it better. so yeah. i hate admitting this but, since no one else reads this, i really need a lot of help. not just now but in general. when my mom told me her and my dad talked about it and thought i needed help, that hurt bc i wasn't actively ready for that conversation. she just sprung it on me, so it felt a lot more like "we think there's something wrong with you (that we caused) and you're too messed up for us to deal with so you need to go to someone else."

i will be spending the next couple of years (and the years after that) studying psychology. why do i bring that up and why am i doing that even though a degree in mass media would benefit me more?? bc my parents have screwed me up so much that ever since i was little, i was obsessed with figuring out what was wrong with me, why i was the way i was. i remember being like seven years old and my mom would tell me that she was constantly searching up my symptoms and thought i had aspbergers. i'm not a professional but i'm pretty sure that's a really fucked up thing to tell a seven year old. "hey, you're too emotional for me, there's something wrong with you, so i searched it up"

and i'm not saying there's anything wrong with therapy or disorders, it's just the negative tone that my parents have given them over the years.

thats it ig, sorry for the cussing. my headache went down and i'm not crying anymore so i should head to bed rn. did i used to have a closing thing for this book?? whatever, buh bye :)

11/14/20

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