☆RaMBLinG☆

Friday, November 13th, 2020

I.
am.
mentally.
sick.
of.
being.
verbally.
abused.

Lol i didn't know how bad it could and be.
And i didn't know how bad it could affect me.

My father is a Congolese man.
He does not know how to deal with his own emotions and he does not know how to deal with his children's emotions.

It pisses me off that i let him get to my head so easily.
Maybe it's because i love him too much that i feel bad that he lost his family.
But he was the one who cheated on my mom with all those women he claimed were nothing to him.
He was also the one to hate kids because he wanted to be free.
He was also the one to threaten and tried to beat me if i told my mom that he was cheating on her with my aunt.
And multiple other reasons.

I honestly do not know what to think anymore.

He is my father that I love even despite the bad things he has done to me and my family.

Every Wednesday we meet up because it is his turn to have time with my siblings and I.

I hate it.

I hate the way he always has to point out what is wrong with us especially because he wants us to look perfect.
I hate how he has to look and stare at me knowing I look so much like my mother.
I hate how he always has to point out the bad in everything I do.

He always says that if we ever want to to talk to him, he can be open minded and we can talk about whatever.

He is not openminded if he is going to support us if one of us is gay.
He is not going to be open-minded when I am going to cuss him out one day and tell him how I feel.
He is not going to be openminded when I say that I do not want be near him anymore.

He also needs to know that this is not Africa anymore. He needs to know that disrespecting women is not okay over here in America.

It's the way that he thinks he is always right. It's also the way that he thinks he knows everything.

I'm just so scared of what he might do to me one day when I tell him off.

I'm scared he might hit me.

I'm scared he might beat me till i am weak.

I'm just so frightened to the point where I put myself into these panic attacks.

I just can't with my father.
He is so mentally sick that he does not see what he does wrong.

He knows that he used to beat my mom and think that it was alright.

He knows that when he started cheating it wasn't right but still did it anyways.

He knows that when he gets older, he's going to want someone to take care of him like a child.

He knows so much but still knows so little.

I'm going to tell you a secret.

I hate my toxic father so bad that sometimes I wish I can kill him.

Sometimes I wish he was dead.
Sometimes I wish he moved out of this country.

Sometimes I even wishes he gets hurt so he can learn his lesson.

And then I feel guilty because im thinking so dangerously.

But i still don't feel bad.

I don't because he will always find a way to get under my skin.

Recently , he claims that I do not call him enough or talk to him or message him.
Literally the phone goes both ways and if you don't it, then don't talk to me.
It gets on my nerves how he puts everything on me when he is the literal adult.

From now on i'm going to not let no one disrespect me because i've been too damn nice.

Fuck i'm getting emotional.

I
just want
to breathe.

i'm so stuck in this little box in my head i can not get out of.

I need to learn how to open up and talk about my feelings.

But it's so hard.

I wake up everyday thinking that it is going to be a good day.

But i feel nothing.

I am numb.

I've never written this long before lol.

But i needed to tell some people that you are not alone in this toxic father daughter relationship.

It will get better.

At least that's what i try to convince myself.

I really hope one day i become a bad bitch.
A bad bitch who knows who her purpose is.
A bad bitch who is more mature.
A bad bitch who knows what she wants.
A bad bitch who takes no shit from no one.

I wanna be me.
I wanna be myself and that is the goal for the rest of my life.