Lypophrenia《Yizhan version》

Epilogue

I held the flowers in my hand while walking on the dark graveyard; it stretched as far as my eyes could see, it was as big as the endless sea, and the atmosphere was deep with a flow of sadness.

Slowly I knelt down in front of the grave while the petals of the flowers slipped out of my hand, with fresh tears trickling their way down my eye one by one.

"I miss you . . ." Tears uncontrollably kept falling while I didn't even have the energy to wipe them away anymore.

My head felt heavy with thoughts while my heart was breaking with the minute that passed in silence.

"Why did you leave me . . . ? You promised to stay, out of all people, why you . . . ? Why? I miss you every day, every hour, every minute, and every second that passes. It's silent without you by my side; yesterday, I dreamt about you. I heard your laughter filling the house as if you had never left my side. I felt relief washing over me when I thought you were truly with me. I remembered how we laughed and how I ended up placing my head on your shoulder like I used to do when I was younger. I can't imagine you're truly gone, all this time I kept lying to myself, saying you might just go out travelling, but deep inside my heart I knew the truth, yet I was not ready to embrace it, I am sorry . . ." My soft voice filled the silent graveyard, and even though it was just 6 pm, it felt like the clouds had darkened the sky while it was midsummer, yet I never felt any of that warmth after you left me.

Fresh new tears consciously slipped out of the corner of my eyes while they got mixed with the old one.

I took a deep breath while my hands were placing the white roses in its place, "I can't believe three whole years have already passed; every day feels the same; melancholic without you by my side.

It was as if something is missing inside me, almost as if I am standing, all alone in the world, which is not accurate, but it feels like no one knows me." I sighed before pushing a strand of my hair out of my eyes.

"You once told me to guard my heart well, and never let someone without thinking twice in, I asked you, 'how do they enter then? By breaking the wall?' You told me, 'No, that person who truly loves you will never leave your side, and he or she won't tear down the wall you had built around your heart, instead they will become better thieves . . .' But now I want to ask, what if I guard my heart too well?" I shook my head slowly on the rhythm of the wind while I felt a sense of loneliness filling my heart.

"I just can't believe I have survived till now, and I hope you're able to see me from above, I hope I someday can make you proudly look down upon me . . ." My hand placed the white roses in a beautiful small circle around his name.

"I hope you will forgive me because I won't forget you, but I will move on, not because I like it, but because I know it would be what you want. You're forever inside my memories, and I will always continue loving you; please take care there above, and I will come to visit as much as possible. I love you like you always had done for me, even though I found it hard to see in the beginning . . ." I slowly stood up and patted my pants clean while the tears kept flooding over my face like an unstoppable waterfall of emotions, just like every time I come here.

While I walked further and further away from his grave, I felt the loneliness inside me grow; that tiny seed of pain had always been there, but since he left, it had only been growing and growing.

I never expected him to leave me this fast, yet it happened, three years even passed, and still, the pain felt like yesterday . . .

The soft touch of the sun hit my face as if it was caressing my cheeks, and I wiped with the sleeve of my old hoody across my face, wiping away the tears that were left. Although most of it had dried in the meantime that had passed.