The affair began with a simple question.
"Who are you?" Edward Cullen demanded of the soft fuzzy man who had tried to run.
"I'm Nobody! Who are you?"
"I'm Nobody too," Edward said, realizing that Count Von Count was no enemy, that he was just as wary and weary as Edward was.
- - -
They never admitted how much they adored each other.
Count's skin felt softer than lambswool to Edward's fingers.
And Count would stare at Edward shimmering in the sun all day, trying to count the places his skin sparkled, always reaching too high and having to start again.
Best of all they were both big believers in discretion.
They didn't want anyone to know about them - otherwise they could face bad vamps, mobs with torches, slayers.
And since Count was a sort-of celebrity from his stint on the reality show "So You Think You Can Count," they definitely wanted to avoid the paparazzi finding out.
The last thing they wanted was to cuddle up in front of the TV and hear some dick from TMZ advertise yet another "gay vampire scandal on S Street."
It was bad enough when they found out about Oscar's high-priced gay prostitution ring.
So neither of them told anyone but their closest friends.
They led a quiet, normal life together.
It was a nice relationship.
Until it wasn't.
- - -
55% of couples say that sex is the biggest reason they fight.
Assuming about a third of people in the world are in couples, that's a lot of people unhappy with their sex life.
Count von Count was trying to count exactly how many sexually frustrated people that would be, when Edward mumbled to stop saying numbers and go to sleep already.
Count decided to tell his good friend Elmo about it.
Elmo asked, "Why do you stay with him if you're not happy? I'll be honest, I always thought he was a prick."
But Count explained that Edward was beautiful, sparkly, had great hair, was quite loyal, and didn't enjoy killing humans.
He added, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a vampire like that?"
"Fine, fine. Stay with Mr. Sparklycock. But tell him honestly that he needs to work on his technique."
Count sighed. "It's actually more of a problem with being willing rather than being able," he said, embarrassed.
He finally told Elmo the big problem.
Edward was really really really into orgasm denial.
He wanted to be turned on constantly but never actually get anything done.
It was driving Count crazy.
"Of course you're going crazy!" Elmo said, "First, what's up with that? Holding off for a while, sure. But NEVER? Really?"
"I want to be understanding about his kinks!"Count said.
"What about your kinks!? Like you know, the kink where you get to have actual sex with your sex partner."
"He's not about that," Count protested.
"Please, bitch, Edward is about Edward. Nothing else matters to him."
Count sighed. "Maybe I would feel better if I counted all his good qualities."
"No! As your friend, I am telling you - you two are not sexually compatible. And if you're not willing to express your own needs, then you never will be."
"I guess you're right. I have to confront him."
- - -
Edward didn't take it well.
He ran right back to his ex-girlfriend.
Who was too young for him, Count thought.
Soon after, Edward moved on to another partner and then another, all the while followed by an avid press.
An audio of Count's conversation with Elmo had also surfaced on one of the television tabloids.
Elmo made no secret of the fact that he just bought a new car.
Abandoned by both lover and friend, unable to find even the venal comforts once offered by the now-imprisoned Grouch-escort Service, Count wondered if he should just disappear somewhere.
He remembered his old friend Kermit, who sat all day just saying his name to an empty bog.
Count had always felt sorry for him, thinking how dreary that life would be, and knowing that Kermit was basically just running after the scandal hit, the one where everyone found out that 'Ms Piggy' was just Kermit in pinkface and a dress.
But now Count was starting to think that this calm slimy life might be better than the vagaries of being in the public eye.
Still, it would be hard to leave S STreet.
It had been Count's home for 6,548 days.
Then 6,549.
Then 6, 550.
But the 6,710th day was different.
That day, Edward's engagement to Angel was announced, and on that same day Elmo 'the entertainment reporter' was given his own show on Headline News.
Count took it as a sign.
He started the long walk to the swampy bog, staring at the ground, counting each step he took.
He didn't look back.
