lately i wake up wanting to go back to sleep. i've been feeling rather lonely and restless, wanting to do so much but not knowing where to start, it's like my end meets as soon as it begins. it's frustrating how each day as i eventually go to sleep with so much on my mind, and so much to tick off the to-do list i only come close to starting it. feeling stressed about things i am not able to do and then sleeping on it, now it's become a toxic coping mechanisms that i never realized how it faded into a pattern until i couldn't tell a difference. been months since i have been home and it gets lonelier every passing day, one moment i am thinking how is it august already ??? and the same time i have this thought how years have passed since the last time i actually felt i exist ?? it's fun. how long has it been since someone has called me because they missed me or wanted to just spend time w me. ( man, to have people who actually want to do that on their own wow can't relate ) i hate being alone so i keep myself busy, distant myself from people bc as the day passes i am only left alone and it makes me so so sad how everything, every relationship and pattern is so inconsistent in my life right now and it leaves me feeling anxious to my core and i feel uncomfortable and sad and wanting to cry but not really about something specific and it results in annoyance ( not good when u're basically surrounded by people picking on you all the damn time ) which only makes me realize that there's so much pent up emotions ( & rage ) inside of me that i can't direct anywhere and so much passion for knowing and wanting things that i just don't want it to be pretentious, even though it's cool and all i actually want to know and own the things i am passionate about. these are one of days where i have so much going on yet i can't pin point exactly what's bothering me so it all just feels overwhelming,,,,i just want to do what i want, make genuine friends who are for me as much as i am for them and not feel like all that i am giving is just being walked away with and feel content,,,, almost like i am longing for something but don't exactly know what. i don't like it. i want it to stop. i am working on it, i owe myself that much.
