Struggle With Abuse!!!!

Hard Decision

Seth went back to the room with Patty to see how she was doing. She was laying in bed crying and rolled up in a ball. He walked over to the bed and laid beside her and tried to get her to relax and soothe her, but she was so tense and blaming herself for everything that has gone wrong. I rubbed her head and hair and she slowly calmed down and then she turned around and faced me and she looked liked an angel. He lifted her up and laid her on top of him while he rubbed her back to calm her down and wrapped she wrapped her arms around him to brace her self to get comfortable and relax. I kept telling her it wasn't her fault and everything is gonna be alright. She lifted her head up to look at me and with the tears rolling out her eyes, I kissed them away and asked her to please don't cry, because her eyes were to pretty to cry, but I can tell she won't listen. Oh how much I wanted to kiss her but I would feel bad and I know it would be taking advantage of her at her weakness. She look so beautiful right there looking at me, that I couldn't fight it. I cupped her face and tenderly kissed her, I was even more surprise she kissed me back but I know she wish it was Roman but right now I didn't care because she was kissing me back and in time she will realize its me she is kissing, and that it is me she is in love with and not Roman. The kiss got passioned and heated and I know we had to stop, but I didn't want it to. I have always wanted her and she wanted me also and I don't want to disappoint her, but damn it ! I decided to stop, I would feel bad taking advantage of her while she is hurting, because when we do make love I want it to be cause we are in love and it the right time not while she is hurting.

"Seth, can I ask you something?" She asked me as she tried to calm down.

Seth lifted her head of his chest. "Sure you can. Why?"

"Is it consider an addiction if you are doing something different to stop another addiction?" I asked him.

While he held me while he sat up so she was sitting on his lap. " Well it depends what it is. Patty please tell me your not hurting yourself or doing anything to make yourself worse?" Seth asked concern.

I wasn't ready to tell him about cutting myself to calm and relax, because I can't take anymore stress. It's mostly from Roman, cause I don't know if Seth even knows if Roman has been sliding me those pills in the envelope when Seth brings me up my meals? But when I see them I feel angry and cutting myself makes me feel better and relaxes me. I never consider it being an addiction but lately it's the only thing that has been calming me down when I see those envelopes with those pills. I was still in a deep thought when Seth snapped me out of it.

"Patty, Are you okay?" Seth looked at me. "I've been saying your name for a few minutes and nothing. Are you sure your okay?" he looked concern.

I looked at him. "I am sorry, I went into a deep thought there, what did I ask you?"

"You asked me if you consider an addiction if you are doing something different to stop another addiction? And I said it depends what you are doing." I told you. "Patty look at me. What's going on cause I am now officially worried about you? Don't make me stay here and watch you day and night and have Dean watch you while I take a shower and I will carry you downstairs to eat and watch you take a shower. Please tell me. Tell me I am getting worried for nothing." Seth said about to cry.

I looked at Seth and I can't believe I am about to lie to him, cause I can tell he was hurting real bad, but hell even I wasn't ready to admit it yet. "Seth I promise you I am not hurting myself. I just ask you a simple question honest. What would make you think I would hurt myself Seth?"

"I am sorry you just scared me, when you asked me that question. Patty I have to tell you something before I do the same mistake I did before." Seth looked at me.

"Okay Seth now who got who scared now, just please tell me." I smiled.

"I love you, there I said it. I have loved you since I first met you, I just never thought you ever felt the same." He lifted he off his lap and go off the bed. "I was so mad and jealous that night when you stayed with Roman and didn't even call and let us know you wasn't coming back to the hotel, but glad you were okay and nothing happen, and that you told me you two are just friends." He sign and he turned around and looked at me. "Patty I also know you in love with Roman and he is in love with you, and reason I know is because when you were really sick. He was the one that took care of you and he came downstairs and had tears and told us, until he found the pills in your bags." He walk back over to the bed. "Patty I love you also, and I am nothing like Roman and I am an understanding man and I would never leave your side or make you feel bad or even throw your bad habits in your face. Instead I would help you and embrace you and understand."

I stood up next to Seth and he is right. I am in love with Roman and I know Roman is in love with me, but twice he has showed me where he stands. And that he will never trust me. So how can I trust him if he is gonna keep putting pills on my plate just to hurt me more? I cupped my hands on Seth's face and kissed him. I wanted him to know I loved him also. I wanted him to know I felt the same and I wanted him also, from earlier. Why he stopped earlier I don't know, but I felt the electricity when he kissed me and I wanted more. He kissed me back and slowly laid me down on the bed. His kiss was driving me crazy and wanting him more. But he pulled away again and couldn't understand again why he pulled away. He helped me up. And just looked at me with those sad eyes as tears rolled down them.

"Seth, I love you also, why? Why do you keep pulling away from me? I waited for you to tell me how you felt a long time and I always dreamed of you kissing me like this. Yes I am in love with Roman (As I started to cry) but twice he gave up on me, but your right your here and yet your doing the same thing pulling away from me. Why? " I looked at him in tears.

Seth looked away from me, I knew something was wrong. Why won't he talk to me. I wanted to walk over to him and put my arms around him but I didn't want to pry or push I just wanted to know why that's all.

How can I tell Patty it was me that got Roman to hate her? I wanted her so badly that I do anything to get her and I did and here she is telling me what I wanted to hear in forever and she is giving me everything I wanted her to give me and now it's me pushing her away. I know she is in love with me and I believe her and when she kisses me I feel it, but I can't give it back after what I did. Now she wants to know why. If I tell her will things still be the same or will it change? All this was about was to help her fight her abuse, but all this turned into was hurt her more instead of helping her...Now I wonder! Who really is her Protector..her Ex..her New Love to help her thru this? Are we the ones that are meant to help her thru all if this? Did we really think we could because we love her that much or was it became we all are in love with her and competing for her love? The difference between me and Dean and Roman is. Dean dated her and broke her heart years ago and now he wishes he never did and wants a second chance and Roman who fell in love with her the first time he met her and he told her and his love is pure for her but at the same time it is hard for him to express. And there is me, I also love her, and I have loved her since we first met, but I held it in and didn't get that chance, so I got jealous when Roman confessed his love for her and I made sure it didn't last and here she is confessing her love to me. So there is only one thing I can do.

"Patty, I.....

WHAT DO YOU THINK SETH IS GONNA CHOOSE TELL PATTY THE TRUTH OR HOLD IT IN AND JUSS USE HER LOVE TO GET WHAT HE WANTS....DECISION DECISION DECISION....