Amelia

Amelia, Part 2

[Set in Broadmoor Junior Psychiatric Hospital]

The door, unlocked. Turned the handle.
Walked in. Knife in hand. Crept up beside her. Raised the knife. Rammed it down. Pulled it out. Blood, gushing streams of blood. She screamed. Raised the knife once more. Rammed it down again. Again, again, again-

I suddenly awoke, surrounded by complete darkness, but brief moments of my dream still flashed in front of me. The bloody knife, the blood-soaked sheets, her neck and face riddled with cuts and gashes. I didn't feel any remorse for killing my mother, but for some reason, I repeatedly dream of her murder.

Maybe it's because deep down inside I know that she did not deserve to die, but killing animals was no longer satisfying. I was always left wanting more. I remember how it felt to kill my sister's hamster, I'd killed two birds and a squirrel since then. It failed to give me that same thrill. I knew the only way I would feel that thrill again, was to do the unthinkable. But I would never murder anybody!, I thought to myself.

I tried to suppress my thoughts, I tried to lock them away, I really did, but eventually my bloodlust had become too intense. It was like a dam that was filled beyond capacity, overflowing, the walls containing it were cracking, the floodgates were about to burst, and I knew that once those gates were open, there would be no going back, but I couldn't stop myself.

My eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness. I looked at the clock on the nightstand,

2:37AM.

I haven't gotten a full night's sleep since I got here. There has never been a night of perfect silence. Loud, sudden noises would echo through the quiet hallways almost hourly.
A scream, a laugh, a crash, a bang. Fucking lunatics. I don't belong in a mental hospital. I'm not crazy.

3:15AM.

I have been trying to fall asleep. My thoughts have prevented that from happening. I have been thinking about how lucky my younger sister was, she had been at a friend's house the night of the murder, four months ago. If she were home, I would've killed her aswell. I would've stabbed her in the stomach over and over until my arm became numb, until her belly looked like a chunky, gruesome mess. I could see it, I could so vividly see it happening, the knife sinking deep into her flesh-

I felt a sudden rush of excitement. The thought of what could've been, it excited me. It excited me a little too much. The dam was filling again. Filling faster than ever before. And I didn't have much time before the floodgates opened, and all hell broke loose.

3:31AM

I got out of bed, switched the light on and ran to the room door, maybe I could murder some nutty kid in the hospital, nobody would care, I thought, but, unsurprisingly, my room door was locked, from the outside.

Fuck!

I stumbled to the small stainless steel sink that was in the corner of my room. I felt nauseated. My bloodlust was too intense. I had no way to release it. I opened the faucet, splashed some cold water on my face, then looked into the mirror above the sink. My pupils seemed impossibly large and my skin, sickeningly pale. I stared at the mirror for a moment. I didnt even recognize myself. I was someone else. A monster, willing to do anything for bloodshed.
I couldn't control myself any longer.

Without knowing why, I punched the mirror, it shattered, my knuckles bled. I picked up a big glass shard that fell to floor. It felt as if something was controlling me. I knew what I was doing, I just didn't know why I was doing it. I put the shard to the skin on my palm and made a long, deep gash. I bled, alot. The pain was excruciating, but I was not in control. My desire to hurt grew stronger, completely overwhelming me. I took the shard and cut my cheek, blood trickled down my neck. My wounds throbbed with a sharp pain, but still, I was unsatisfied, I needed to kill someone. I screamed in frustration. I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I put the shard to my wrist and slit it.

Everything went quiet. Everything was perfectly still. My desire to kill was no more. I looked down at my wrist, it bled but I felt no pain. I felt satisfied beyond words. To feel no pain, to finally kill again, to finally feel at ease, It was truly the ultimate pleasure to end it all.