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An everyday story of a man who finds a mermaid in his bath, with footnotes by Professor Neville Twistytrouser, Emeritus Professor of Logical Pescatology and Warden of St Doris College, Oxford


A note from the author

Dear Chums,

Milton Marmalade is my pen name. I'm not certain what my real name is but I suspect that both parts of it begin with M. I leave all that sort of thing to my secretary, since what's in a name, after all?

Myfanwy is my secretary. She keeps interrupting the inspired flow of my writing with cups of tea and descriptions of Welsh cooking, and generally hovering over me. But at least she is very good at thinking up names for me that begin with M. Also she types up my manuscripts to send out to you, dear reader.

When I started the story about the mermaid in Lionel's bath I had no idea how it would end. Luckily though I have divine inspiration from Aerfen, the Celtic goddess of Fate, who sends me plot details in dreams and also when I am in the shower. I try to make myself a clear channel for the goddess, since the merely human imagination is only capable of recycling old stuff.

Now all the loose ends have been woven by Aerfen into a single pattern, made by your humble author into the flawed masterpiece you now hold in your hands.

Myfanwy asked if she could leave in all the notes that were sent out to my readers during the process of composition. I told her not to, of course. It would interrupt the flow of the story and it's not a normal thing in a book to do that.

love to you all,

Milton Marmalade

"An idiot at the height of his powers."


A note from Milton Marmalade's exotic Welsh secretary

Hello Sapient Selkies,

I call you that because if you understand everything Milton Marmalade has written then you will rightly be called wise, that is, sapient, and you may, like the Selkies, shed your old skins to become something that can move between two worlds.

Nice bit of writing that, Myfanwy, though I say so myself. I feel a bit inspired just being around Milton and his creative outpourings. Women can write, of course, but I'm more of the muse type. Still, you never know.

Mind you, Milton Marmalade can be rather stuffy and wrapped up in himself. It is a mystery to me that the goddess chose to guide his pen rather than choosing someone a bit more charismatic. There's no accounting for what goddesses do a lot of the time.

love and kisses,

Myfanwy Merioneth


Feel free to skip the copyright section and start reading chapter one which follows straight after. Although there is a joke or two in the copyright section.

Please star any chapters you like!

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