Found In Perplexity

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A quiet comfort surrounds me. I begin to shake as I hear your words in the back of my mind telling me of love and trust. I wonder how I believed you, when I knew that such bliss would surely have to end as quickly as it began. The pains of loss and grief continue. I am now without your presence to comfort me in a time of great neccessity. I can not feel your strong grip holding me protectively, warmths from within to comfort me. Though I long for them. A sense of sadness. So many things to say but somehow I can not. I fear my pain and for all the love I have bestowed you with to hold. I want to understand the reasons I can't say what hurts so much. To say them makes them real, makes it hurt more. A fear of reality will not allow me to speak.

I sit, lost in thought, seeing you in my mind and knowing that what I feel you are all too aware of. Time is careful not to disturb my thoughts as it passes by. As I finally look up at the clock I wonder 'how long have I been frozen here?' Numb to my surroundings. My pen still moving across the paper as my heart fills with tears, I am crying inside. My mind filled with memories. To think of you is both joy and sorrow. My soul, a void, and yet somhow full. Full of feelings of loss and unbearable pain. Jealousy for those lives you will touch while I cannot. They will taste your sweet release as I weep into my pillow alone and scared. They will have you and all I will have is regret and jumbled emotion towards the agonizing destruction you left behind. Jumbled emotions. Fear builds as I realize I have lost you to another even though I know I am the one to come out victorious. I fail to understand my conflictions. Thoughts so distorted and horrifyingly real.

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