Each wave of pain pulled me down, further and further into the current. I was being thrown around mercilessly. Down and down I went, struggling, struggling, struggling to get to the top. The thin string keeping my lifeless body alive was tearing, breaking, snapping. All I wanted was to surface, surface to the top and breathe. Once. Just once.
The imaginary weights were compressing my chest, prohibiting any oxygen from entering.
I couldn't breathe.
My heart was like an open wound, throbbing, throbbing, throbbing. There was so much pain I was numb. There were so many tears my vision was blurred. There was so much agony and heartache, I felt everything inside of me crack and fall out of place.
I placed a fist over my mouth, fighting back the sobs that were burning at the back of my throat. Each surf of pain that struck me, made me stumble forwards and fall onto my knees onto the rough soil beneath me. My head was tilted upwards, looking blankly into the sky and I wondered, if there was really a god up there, why was he putting me through this?
Muffled sobs escaped me one after the other, I'd promised myself not to cry over him but I couldn't help it. The image was still there, dented into my memory and all I wanted to do was die because I loved him more than I thought I could love anybody and he hadn't even loved me, because I'd wasted four years of my life on a boy who hadn't even been faithful, because I'd seen a future for the two of us while he'd been seeing other girls.
It didn't make sense to me; why were good people hurt so much?
The pain was back, so much of it inside of me. I didn't know what to feel, all I wanted to do was go home and cry and cry and cry to my hearts content until everything was alright, until the tears drowned out my sorrow and I was numb from crying so much and maybe he'd come running back to me, maybe he'd cradle me to his chest and apologise and he'd kiss my face all over, telling me he'd made a mistake and that he would never hurt me again and he'd tell me how much he loved me, and how we were going to live together until we both died, in our small little cottage, with our two children and we'd be happy, a happy little family.
He wasn't going to change for you, not for you. Not for anybody.
Love's a painful thing, it makes you so blind. You're so content with finding somebody that makes you happy, you choose to ignore the warning bells in your head, the warning bells telling you to stay away, telling you he'll hurt you, but you don't listen, because you're so happy, so glad that there's somebody out there who loves you for who you are, because everything's so perfect and you're floating on cloud nine and you feel life your life is complete and nothing can get any better.
But then everything changes.
That one moment that turns your world upside down.
That one moment when you see something nobody should ever have to see and your whole world comes crashing right down in front of your eyes, and it hurts so much that you're consumed in grief, so much hurt that you're frozen and he tries to apologise over and over again as he slips his clothes back on, but you've had enough, you don't know how long this has been going on for so you run, and you run and you run and he chases after you calling out your name but you carry on running until you're away, until you're alone, until you're away from everything and everybody and your heads pounding, you're heart thumping because you don't deserve this, because nobody deserves to every go through anything like this.
The thought of him, it kills you, it drains your body emotionally, mentally and physically because you don't deserve this, because you're a good person who was just looking for love in a lonely world and you find yourself unable to breathe, pulled back down under by the current.