WARNING~~SELF HARMING AND RAPE. DON'T READ IF THIS TRIGGERS MEMORIES OR OTHER STUFF!!
"Bye honey! I'll see you later!" I yelled to no one in particular.
"Bye sugar buns! Have fun!" Cailin answered. I guess it was for Cailin. I laughed and got on the car with Harry and Louis.
Harry was driving us to the airport. Thank god today is the last day! I don't think I would be able to handle more dates with different guys. Damn that makes me sound like a slut. I just think that I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders. I might be an "adult" but I still want my mom. I was a Momma's girl. Don't judge me.
I remember I used to play soccer with Joshua everyday after school. My dad walked out on is when he found out my mom was pregnant with me. Apparently he just wanted 1 child and since my mom refused to give abortion he left. Not my fault he couldn't keep his wiener inside his pants. My mom never dated. Her focus was on Joshua and me and her work. I would've wished that she dated and never stressed herself about working and money. I wanted her to have fun and live since she got pregnant of Joshua at 16. She never had fun or went out and got drunk. She was always there for us and never gave up on us.
My mom was basically my mom and dad but I would never want to change that. She was there for my first period, first heartbreak. I always told her my secrets except for one. I never told her that I used to cut. I never knew why I cut my self. Who am I kidding? I know perfectly why I would cut myself. My 3rd boyfriend would abuse me. He would hit me until I was knocked out. He raped me! I remember that day like if it was yesterday. I was only 16 when that happened. Thank god I didn't get pregnant.
"Hey babe." My boyfriend, Carlos, said through the phone. Wow. He's actually being nice to me.
"Get ready. I'm gunna take you out to the new club that just opened. I need to show off my hot girlfriend." What? Show me off? What am I? A fucking toy? Whatever. I'm going to do this to have my Carlos back. The old Carlos.
"Umm... Okay. I don't have a dress though."
"Don't worry baby. I got it all covered. I'll drop the dress off. Mean while do your hair and makeup."
"Okay. See you in a few." I hung up and quickly got ready. Finally! I'm finally going to have my Carlos back. I curled my hair to perfection. This day has to be perfect. I will do anything to have the old Carlos back. I did my makeup. I just need the dress.
Knock. Knock. I opened the door to see Carlos with a smile. There was a twinkle in his eyes that made me cautious. Hmm...
"Hey babe." He roughly kissed me and backed me up on a wall.
Whoa that was quick. My mom is at a business trip and Joshua is at his friends house right now. His hands were roaming my body. What is he doing? He disconnected his lips from my own and was quick to suck on my neck while his hands went under my shirt slowly going up to my breast. No! No! I'm not ready for this huge step. I'm a virgin for fucks sake!
"Carlos? Carlos! Stop!" I shouted at him trying to push him off of me. Damn him for working out. He pulled his hands out of my shirt and slapped me. Fuck! His eyes were now pitch black. What's happening to him? Did he smoke weed before he came here? I smelt him for a split second. He did. He's high. Fuck!
"Look bitch! Don't scream or I'll kill you! I need to have sex since I haven't had sex in like 4 months. You fucking prude. I have wanted to fuck you since day 1. When I saw you in those booty shorts for P.E. Now I'm finally going to get what I want. So you will not cry, or scream because like I said before, I will kill you. Do you hear me? " I didn't answer. That was a bad move. Slap! He slapped me again only this time harder. "Do you hear me?"
"Yes." Everything else is a blur.
He left me here in the living room. I can barely get up from the floor. I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I can still feel him on me. His fingers touching me where I didn't want him to touch. He took my virginity. He took the most precious thing I had left. That bastard raped me! I looked at myself in the mirror. I had bruises all over my body from where he was gripping on me so hard. I winced when I touched a bruise on my hip that was already turning purple. I can't look at myself.
It was my fault he raped me. It was my fault! I never gave him what he wanted. If I just had given him sex I would have never been raped. I slowly jumped inside of the shower. I was quick to grab the soap and scrub. I need to get him off of my skin. I was scrubbing so hard. I know my whole body was red by now, but I need to get him off of me. I need something more.
I searched for something until my eyes landed in Joshua's razor. I've never cut myself before, but I need something. I want to be able to control the pain I'm feeling. Now I know why people cut. They just want to be able to have control on their pain again. They just want to feel human. It's like the razor is your only friend. It helps you during your hardest times. I never thought I would be doing this but then again nobody that cuts never thought they would be cutting. Cutting is like a pain reliever even though it gives you pain. I broke the razor piece by piece until I had the razor blades.
I hovered the razor blade on my left forearm. Keeping a distance from my vein. I'm not trying to kill myself even though it's tempting. I just want to be able to have control of the pain. I sliced my forearm. I whimpered. It stings like hell but feels so good at the same time. I need more. I kept on slicing myself.
Cutting is like standing up to your bully, like punching that person you hate, like having chocolate on your period. They all hurt but help you relieve some pain. Cutting is like eating a lot but never gaining weight. Cutting is an addiction and I know it's going to be hard to stop but I will stop at one point.
End of Flashback
Hello my Pringles! A plot twist I bet. You didn't see this coming. Well I love you. Bye✌ I would really appreciate it if you read my other books too!
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