65. I...

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Title: I...
Genre: Angst
Characters: Toshiro
Summary: As Toshiro lies there he comes to realize he doesn't want to die
Rating: T
Notes: I don't think he's going to die. He has though finally reached his breaking point like I thought he would.

All I am or ever was... was a tool for absolute destruction. I always saw myself as the monster that didn't belong. I thought that was something I could live with, something I had resolved myself too. Then again I'd thought I would at least serve a greater purpose of at least protecting those that I cared about.

I for the life of me can't even protect myself.

For being a tool of absolute destruction I'm the weakest of them. I never once thought of my own survival. There was always that cord though where I wanted somewhere to belong. I thought I had finally when Kurosaki appeared found that place and had been adjusting accordingly, but perhaps it would have been best had I not.

The urge to cry has never been so deep as it has now.

I pretend... I pretended for some time that I had no emotions. I kept what I was feeling from the people around me. Shinigami are supposed to be emotionless. Plus, the last thing I wanted people to think was that I was a child, that I was weak. I had to stand my ground to survive. So I guess the instinct to survive had always been there.

That's how childish trains of thought work don't they?

You don't realize the truth until it hits you hard, literally. I'm realizing how much of a child I am now. But that's all right I guess. I've been humiliated, beaten by an adult who makes it obvious that he would kill me despite the fact I wouldn't fight back. So who cares about honor anymore. Plus, I really, really hurt. It's worse then I've ever felt before.

Does it really matter if I cry as I'm going to die?

I mean, if you honestly think about it I was denied my childhood. That's what I realize is the cruelest fate here. I never had any friends thus never had anyone to play with. I was ostracized, treated like a second class citizen until I became a shinigami. I always hated how the nobles had it so easy. Well, not that easy, but they didn't have to be worried about being isolated and they at least got to play kemari and other games.

I'm really going to die.

At least I got to play soccer with Karin and her friends. I got to spend time with Ichigo and think of him as a brother. I got to become closer to those I cared about. With taicho I got to get some of my childhood back.

I don't want to die.

I want to see them again. Rangiku, Karin, Ichi-nii... taicho despite the fact he's dead... everyone...

I really don't want to die.

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