Love & Football

Chapter 8

:: Emma’s POV ::

“Have you talked to JJ?”

I looked across the table to see Jillian staring back at me, curiosity evident on her face. No, I hadn’t talked to JJ and I hated that everyone kept asking me that. These were my family and friends, weren’t they supposed to be on my side?

“No.” I shook my head and avoided eye contact.

“Emma.” Jillian’s voice held a certain tone of disappointment and I hated that, “I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but I will say that I think you should talk to him about this.”

I sighed as I played with the chocolate wrapper on the table in front of me, “I’m just not ready to do that yet.”

Talking to him was the last thing I wanted to do at this moment. I didn’t think I was prepared to take that step. I wasn’t prepared to hear what he was or wasn’t going to say to me. Were me and Noah a charity case for him? Just the thought made me sick to my stomach. I was immediately regretting inviting Jillian, my two nieces and my two nephews to dinner at my place. Had I known my failed love life was going to be the topic of conversation I wouldn’t have extended an invitation. I know, it sounds horrible but I just wasn’t ready to face my reality. I was awful when it came to confrontation and handling problems.

“What about Noah? Does he know what’s going on?”

“I didn’t tell Noah anything and I won’t.” I looked at Jillian, “JJ has wanted to pick him up to hang out and I keep telling him no.”

I saw Jillian’s eyes grow wider in surprise at my last comment.

“Don’t make me feel any guiltier than I already do. I realize I’m being selfish and I swear I’m not trying to be. It just hurts.” I tried to plead my case, I don’t know if I was trying to convince myself it was okay or trying to convince her it was okay.

 I looked out into the yard at Noah who was running around and having fun with his cousins as they played and I couldn’t help but to feel like the bad guy. I hadn’t told Noah what was going on, I wouldn’t. As mad and hurt as I might be with JJ, I couldn’t deny that he was wonderful with my son.

JJ had called and texted on several separate occasions asking if he could take Noah for pizza or take him to throw the football around, I declined his offers each time. I know it’s terrible of me and trust me, I feel more guilt than you could even fathom. I just knew I couldn’t bare the site of JJ, not yet. I hadn’t even watched the last Texans game because of it, and I’ve never missed one in my whole 25 years of life.

“I’m not here to judge you Em, you should know that.” She reached across the table and placed her hand over mine, “I’m only trying to help.”

I understood her intentions were good; I would never mistake them for anything different. I just wanted them to understand that I had to handle things in my own way.

“I know.” I nodded.

“I just think you owe it to yourself and to him to just talk to him.” Jillian reasoned, “Ask him for an explanation. Yell at him. Scream at him. I don’t care, but I think you need to address the issue and bring it to the table. That’s all. At least give him a chance to defend himself. Does he even know why you’re upset? You have to give him something to work with here.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled, she was right. As stubborn as I can be at times, I knew what she was saying was all true. If anything, I did owe it to myself. I just needed to find the strength to hold my ground, because I knew the second I was in front of him that I would crumble. That’s just what he does to me; in any other circumstance I welcomed it.