Chapter 47

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I push back from Mercy's body with bloody, shaking hands and stare at his closed eyes with a cold feeling spreading through my heart. I cried all night last night thinking about Nick and now an old friend and mentor has died in my arms and I don't feel like crying at all. I feel like shooting someone. I feel like riding Mercy's Harley on the highway at two hundred miles per hour. I feel like beating someone's skull in until they are unrecognizable.

I feel like killing Garcia.

"Jess?"

I whip around, my heart lurching into my chest, to see Todd walking toward me over the glass and rubble. His eyes fall upon Mercy's body and his face pales. I've never seen him look so broken, so guttered.

"Todd, I ..." I can't speak any longer and I break down in tears. I know I said I wouldn't but seeing Todd's face has made me fall apart. He bends down and wraps his arms around my quivering body. "I tried to but ... he ... I ..."

"Shh," he whispers. "I'm sure he knew what he was doing, coming here with you."

"He said he's been watching me, watching us. He chose us because we show qualities the others don't."

Todd pulls away and wipes a hand under his nose. "I know. He's already shown me this place."

"What? When?"

"Not long ago." He looks around at the broken down club. "He's given it to me to run. What a joke."

I let myself smile only slightly, imagining stoic Todd running a shelter. Then I look down at Mercy's body again.

"What should we do with him?"

"I'll figure it out," says Todd. He digs his hands into his pocket. "Take my bike. You look like you need a good ride before ..."

I stare into Todd's bloodshot eyes and feel every part of my body shake. He senses my fear and puts a hand on my shoulder, staring down at me with eyes firm and cold.

"Listen to me. There's a lot of darkness in this world, Jess, and some of us are unfortunate enough to breathe it every day. If you can do this, if you can kill just a little bit of that darkness, the world will be brighter because of it. I haven't done much with my life – I don't know what Mercy saw in me but ..." Todd shakes his head and turns his gaze back to mine. "You have the chance to save people. No matter the consequences, you can't back out. Do it for all of the people we lost on raids or gang meets, when Garcia's goons shot them down. Do it for Mercy."

I nod, and then I fold myself into his chest. After a moment, he wraps his arms around me. His hand strokes down the back of my head gently. I say goodbye to Todd for what could be the last time and make my way to the door. It's as if every step I take tears another piece away from my soul. Everyone around me is hurting or dying and I can do something about it. But will killing Garcia really make things better?

That's when I remind myself of the life I left behind. I can no longer go back to the streets: they'll butcher me. And I can't go back to Nick. I either kill Garcia and risk life imprisonment – or the death penalty – or I disappear and start a new life.

The latter doesn't help anyone.

Todd's bike is resting against the curb. I swing my leg over, stick the key in the ignition and feel the power of the engine as it roars to life. I close my eyes and pretend that for a moment, it's just me and the bike, like old times when I didn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Idrive through the city having no destination, past places I robbed and parkswhere deals went down and along the coast where the gangs used to group on thebeach and laugh and drink together. Those were such innocent times. 

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