Undo |boyxboy|

o n e

-

Do you ever feel like you're a broken toy? Before I sleep every night, there's a weird thought that runs in my head. Im useless.
Nobody loves me, they are always going to use me. I don't feel special at all. Its like I was born to be a shadow, invisible, dark, lonely and follows darkness all the time.

I badly needed a reset button.

Everybody is fake, fvcking fake. Its like we are just an imitation. I always envy the guys who can walk in this hallway with their head held high. I'm lonely and the saddest part is I know and I don't seem to find any reason to be happy.

I can't relate to anybody, because there is no one that can.
We all have different story and I don't know if the person that sit, lay, and talk to us know the struggles we've been having.

It sucks, I know.

"I'm gay." I've finally said it out loud. My mother gave me a soft look, like she was worried about me while my father gasps and his mouth swung open.

I'm crying while I'm looking down. The tears started to fell and I know the kitchen table sees that. I never looked at my parents. I'm too ashamed of myself. They made me feel like its a sin.

My father stood up. I eventually looked up after that, which I regretted. I am hoping for a hug, instead I received a slap.

Everybody was giving me a silent treatment starting from that moment. My mother and my father is ashamed of me.

"Seth! - Seth! Seth! Are you with us!?? ." My eyes widened as I hear Mrs. Lany ask me in front of the whole class.

"Ye- ye-yeah." I mumbled. Mrs. Lany nodded and continue discussing a lesson while I hear everybody left out a giggle and small laughs while looking at me. I just look down.

I didn't even know why that scene keeps running through my mind lately, the time when I came out, maybe because my stomach hurts from the kicks and punch that my father gave me this morning. I forget to turn off the TV before I sleep and when I wake up I was slammed in the wall of the living room.

Life sucks. After this class, I waited for everyone to get out before I made my way out of the room. I saw Mrs. Lany take a glance at me as I walked out of the room. She seemed worried about me, but I know it's just a fake emotion as I heard her talked about me as the worst student that she handled in all of her years here when I pass by in the way to guidance office.

I don't give a damn. She's not worth it, actually everybody is. That's the fact about me. Nobody seems to care about me. I am glad that I love myself because I can't go forward and live if i don't love myself.

I walked myself down the cafeteria. After I get all of the food that I can afford. Well that means a burger and a water. I find a seat. The seats here can occupied four persons. Two persons facing each other.
Well since I'm alone. I find an empty table. Thankully. It's far from everyone. That's why I liked it. While I walk to the table I noticed that I was only the one that has no friend. Everybody talks to someone. I don't care.

Actually I care, a little . But there's no one out here seems to think that I'm friendly.

It's my sophomore year, and it's just starting. But I guess high school is just full of shit and fake people. That's my opinion and based to the things I saw everyday. I'm a creep. Just watching everyone walks and talks.

After the lunch break. I have a free period and 2 o'clock gym class, which I fvcking hate. Soccer. That's what we're playing today. I know I will end up in the grass.

My body is aching after the game. I sat on the benches waiting the guys to finish, because if I enter the shower room, bad things will happen again. Last year I got beaten up by the bigger guys. I didn't do anything. I glance at them and they accused me by being a pervert. I think they knew that I'm gay. Everyone does. But my father didn't do anything about it but to beat me up also.

After waiting half an hour. It's almost 4 in the afternoon. I get up and enter the shower. They kick me out there, on the field. They made it look like an accident but when the coach wasn't looking all of them kick me. I didn't make a sound which was okay with them. I get used to it. My tears fell down like there was nothing that is going to stop it. They didn't care if I'm hurt. All of them. I saw their faces. There were four of them. But all of the guys from the class was laughing at me.

I entered the shower room and quickly showered. Thank God there's no person left in here. When I finished bathing, I looked around and when I saw that no one is out there, I get out and stand in front of the mirror. Looking at my stomach, my face and every part of my body.

Bruises, from the beating and punches.
Scars, from my cuts in my legs near my private area, and my wrists. Nobody can see it, because nobody pays attention.

I almost shout when the front door opens. Levi entered the room and stopped for a bit when he looked at my body. I stare at his reaction. I saw a worried look at his face which eventually turned into a blank stare while he was looking for his tumbler. When he found it, he left.

I quickly grabbed my shirt and pants and put them on. I leave the room and get ready to go home. I walk. My home is not far away but not near either. It's walking distance.
I didn't bother taking the bus.

Levi Zucker. He's an athlete, a runner. Third year of high school. He's famous that's why I know him. Everybody in the school know who he is. I find him attractive but who am I kidding? I'm just a punchbag. Nobody sees me. Well they only sees me when they only want to hurt me, when they want to punch me.

While walking in the sideways. I always feel loved by the air that carress and touch my skin. I'm white and pale. Also has a brown eye and hair. I'm petite and 5'4. Made me look like a target. I'm skinny and that's because ever since this is happening to me, I never had an appetite for every meal that I eat.

But today, I needed a drink.

I went to a store and buy a root beer. This store allow everyone to buy a beer even when underage.
I'm 16 years old.
Too young to be lonely. But happy that I don't have to deal with another drama rather than myself.

I went to a bridge that I pass everyday when I am walking from school to my house.
I drink my beer and sat at the bridge. It's to deep. There's a river under and I didn't seem to care because I'm not afraid of heights.

There's almost no car that passes here so I'm glad that It's peaceful. I think of it as my happy place, ironically speaking. I never became happy. That's a fact. Eventually there's a car approaching. I look at it and saw Levi. He's the one driving with his friends. Loud and shouting. Seems like they're gonna have a party.

I turn my head to the river below after they passed. My tears fell down, as the wind blew my hair. I left out a chuckle. I'm painfully sad. Everyday.

When I finally reached my house. I opened the door and hoped that my father isn't drunk. And when I see him in the kitchen he's drinking. Almost drunk. My father has no work. My mother is a lawyer and leaves at home 7:30 in the morning and came back at 7:30 too at night. She isn't around that's why my father can beat me everyday.

I didn't bother to talk to him and go upstairs in my room. When my mother came back from work. She takes care of father to sleep. Didn't bother talking to me about my day. She just talks to me when it's very important, and when she's giving me my allowance. I always thank her but she didn't talk to me. Since I came out, everything changed.

I regretted it. I'm just 7 years old then, but Im relieved too that I don't have to pretend to everyone. I'm too young to know what I am. That's my mother said to me.

Buts it's not knowing what I am, it's about knowing who I am. I didn't bother talking back. She left before I even said a word. Everybody leaves. Everybody changes and thats what life about. A cycle.

Before I go to bed I went to the bathroom to do my evening routine.

I get the blade under my bed and enter the bathroom and undress my self. There are two beatings this day, from my father and from the soccer, means two cuts.

I picked my right leg and my chest.
I always cut. Sometimes I don't do this when there's no beating in a day (which isn't everyday). But this isn't my lucky day. I chuckled.

I cut it just like how long my thumb is. After it bleeds. I wash it with soap and water and put a band aid to it.

I put on my clothes and go to bed and sleep. Dreaming of the things that I can never have.