Prologue

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A few weeks after her grandmother's death, Jae receives a letter from a solicitor informing her that she's been left a substantial sum of money. It takes a while for her to accept the idea having not been expecting anything, but eventually she allows herself to make tentative plans. She's been wanting to move out of her parents' house for a while and can now start looking for a flat, and think in realistic terms about a new business she's been daydreaming of. But before she can set anything in motion she receives another letter from the same solicitor containing a plain white envelope with the words 'For Jae' written on the front in her grandmother's wobbly handwriting.

She takes it into the kitchen and sits down at the table, slowly passing her hands over the words and feeling a wave of grief wash over her. She misses her grandmother deeply. In Vivian she had found both a close friend and life mentor and although they'd only managed to see each other once or twice per month, their shared interests and unexpected friendship had forged a deep and affectionate bond.

Taking a deep breath she slowly tares open the envelope. She was imagining it would be a letter, perhaps a poem, but inside was scrawled a perplexing note of just one single line:

'Seek and ye shall find.'

During the last few months, their conversations had become markedly more philosophical revolving around questions to do with religion and the meaning of life. They used to sit together in the conservatory drinking tea and eating homemade banana cake, Vivian upright and alert in her pale-green, wing-backed armchair, Jae perched next to her on a footstool. Vivian was an atheist, and Jae found that even towards the end of her life there was never any suggestion of her converting to Christianity or any other religious faith, nor of trying to persuade Jae to any particular point of view. Their exchanges were exploratory in nature, with both posing questions and considering possible answers equally. Despite her advanced years and life experience, in discussions Vivian maintained the stance of fellow inquirer taking care not to allow Jae to view her as a voice of authority. When confronted with a question, Vivian's most common response was to ask another in return, handing the problem back to Jae to think about in more depth. Vivian wanted to encourage Jae to consider things for herself, in her own way and in her own time, and never to take someone else's idea as her conclusion.

"Find out for yourself!" was something she often said.

Throughout their discussions, Jae could never quite pinpoint what Vivian's beliefs actually were, if she had any at all. But how could a person have no beliefs, about anything?

Jae spends many hours thinking about the note and itspossible meanings, but it remains a riddle she's unable to solve. If only shecould ask her grandmother what she means or what she wants Jae to do with thequestion. She's still finding it difficult to comprehend that Vivian is nolonger living in her house, getting on with life, available to chat and laughwith just a short drive away. Despite being mentally prepared for Vivian'sdeath, when it actually happened Jae and her family discovered the aftermathwas completely different to how they imagined – full of unforeseeable emotionaldistress and practical complications. In the eyes of the world the familyseemed to be getting on with daily life as normal, and although she was unsureof how her parents were coping in private, Jae knew that she herself was barelymanaging. She felt restless and insomniac, unable to settle to any task. Evenremembering about the money doesn't cheer her up for long. The strange note keepsnagging at the edge of her consciousness distracting her wherever she is andfrom whatever she's doing. Seek what?Find what? Where should I look? She becomes aware that as each week passeswithout resolution she is in danger of capsizing into a state of gloom andemotional disengagement, and unless she gets to grips with it very soon itcould become a costly surrender for both herself and her family.

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