Just Me Again.

28: Cigarettes

MARIA WAYNE

I don't know what happened. Why did I tell that to him? I kept it to myself successfully for years – then why did I give it away to him? Silas didn't say anything – he just kept quiet and looked at me. It looked like he wanted to say something, but he was struggling. He opened and closed his mouth numerous times, but no words came out of his mouth. He must be feeling pity for me. Oh, poor Maria can't have kids – isn't it bad she can't walk already? I sighed and looked away from him. Tears started to dry off as I eyed the ocean. I wanted to smack myself for letting him know that. I don't know why I am feeling so emotional today – should have kept it to myself.

When I first receive the news – I was heartbroken. For years I didn't tell anyone, but Leo. Only he is one who knows that I can never give birth. For all these years – never once did he talk to me about it since the day I told him and I appreciate it. He knows how much it hurts to talk about it. It kills me to know that I can never have a family.

"Maria." Silas finally whispered out my name. I briefly closed my eyes. Here comes the pity. I felt his hand on mine as he lightly squeezed it causing me to turn my head towards him. "I don't want your pity, Silas," I told him sternly. His eyebrows knitted together as his wet eyes stared into mine. "Pity?" he asked. "You think I pity you, Maria?" he added as he narrowed his eyes. He looked upset. I sighed and once again looked away. "It doesn't matter, Silas." I shrugged.

Silas stood up and crossed his arms over his chest, "I am shocked and I – I am upset, because you didn't tell me before, but I don't pity you. It hurts me to think of all the pain you have been through." He paused as I looked at me. His lean figure was blocking the sun. "Maria, when will you finally accept that I love you? When will you forgive me for what I have done?" He asked as he slowly kneed down in front of me. His hand slowly cupped my face as tears filled his eyes.

"I am damaged," I replied to him in a whisper as I was afraid that my voice would wobble if I speak aloud.

He knitted his eyebrows together, "No, you are not." He shook his head. I sniggered, "Silas, you can't fool me with your words." I told him. "I can't walk properly. I can't have kids." I said to him. "I am not sure what I am capable of anymore. It feels like everything I have is damaged." I added. I tried to look away, but he didn't let me. He held me while cupping my face. I looked into his teary eyes as I held back my tears. He didn't speak. He just slowly leaned in and lightly brushed his lips over mine. I sighed and closed my eyes.

He back away slowly as I felt his thumb brushing my cheek, "You were the best thing that ever happened to me and no matter what happens – I will always love you, Maria." He spoke lowly. I slowly opened my eyes and looked into his.

"And I swear if you call yourself damaged one more time – I will flip out. I don't want to even think that you are even near to damaged. You are perfect as you are. I love you for what you are." He told me. I didn't know what to say or how to react. My heart skipped a beat as he said all those words to me. I felt tickly on my lips. "Now we are going to enjoy this day and will not think about anything negative, okay?" he asked.

I just nodded. He smiled and pecked my forehead before getting on his feet. He let out a breath and looked at the ocean, "I am hungry." He said. I chuckled and blinked away the tears in my eyes, "You ate my sandwich." I remind him. He looked at me and shrugged, "Yeah, but I am still hungry. And by the way, the sandwich was horrible." He told me. I laughed, "And yet you still ate it all." I said. "I was hungry. I didn't eat anything on the flight." He told. I completely forgot that he was coming directly from the airport – he must be jetlagged.

"Aren't you tired, Silas? You must be jetlagged." I asked him.

He stretched his upper limb muscle, "Yeah, but I better spend my day with you." He grinned.

"Cheesy," I commented causing him to laugh. "But seriously, we should cut this short. You should take some rest because I know that today you will be back to your workaholic self." I added. He smiled softly, "It feels so great to know that you still care for me. You still remember what I used to do. How you still believe that I am the same person." He said as he said beside me.

I tugged my loose hair behind my ear and smiled. "People don't change, Silas. They pretend to act in a way that would please others, but deep down they are still the same." I answered, causing his smile to fell off his face. He frowned, "So, you believe that I am still the same person I was?" he asked. I smiled softly, "Yes." I nodded, "And that is not a bad thing." I replied.

"How is being my old self is a good thing, Maria? Don't you remember how I treated you?" he asked. He sounded upset with himself. The guilty was showing through his eyes.

I put my hand over his shoulder, "You were manipulated, Silas. You acted like that because you thought that I cheated and that reaction would have been justified if I would have cheated on you." I shrugged. "The problem was, Silas that you didn't trust me enough to ask me – to talk to me. You blinding believed in what she told you. You didn't even give it a thought before jumping to the conclusion. It hurt me the most, Silas." I answered him. "And that's what still scares me," I added.

Silas didn't say anything – he just listened to me with his head down. We both went quiet after that. He was lost in his thought and I was lost in mine. It felt good to talk to him like that. The biggest mistake we made was that we didn't communicate. We let the misunderstandings build between us.

I sighed and looked at him lost in his lost while his eyebrows were drawn together. I didn't want the past to ruin anything now or ever. It was all in the past and it should remain where it belongs – in the past. I smiled and lightly nudged him, causing him to look at me. "By the way, how is Bear?" I asked him. Silas has the cutest dog ever. His lips curled into a small smile, "He is annoying – like really annoying." He chuckled, "But, yeah – he is perfect." He laughed. "You know, one minute I would to pet him, and the next minute I want to kick him out." He said causing me to laugh. "I guess I am still getting used to of him." he shrugged.

"He is the cutest thing I have seen after Kathie," I told him. He chuckled, "Oh boy, does Kathie love him – she is crazy about him and Marcus – Marcus is annoyed by Bear. Or may I say Bear dislike Marcus." Silas laughed. "I sometimes leave Bear at Marcus's intentionally – just to annoy him." He told me. "I don't know why Bear always targets Marcus, but he does and that is the most hilarious part." He laughed. I loved watching Silas so happy – he was talking like a child. "Would you like to see Bear?" he asked and I couldn't say no to that.

After a while, Silas and I went to Silas's penthouse and we were welcomed by Bear. He barked and rushed towards Silas and jumped over him as he was kneeling to greet his pet dog. "Hey boy, did you miss me? Did you?" he cooed the dog and it was the cutest thing to see. I laughed when Bear started to lick Silas's face. "Oh boy, not the face – not the face!" he told the dog, but he didn't listen. Silas looked at me and grinned, "See Bear, Maria is here to meet you." Silas pointed his finger towards me, causing Bear's attention to divert towards me.

"Hi, Bear." I greeted him. I was so sad that I couldn't knee down as well. Bear let out a small bark and started licking my leg brace. "Oh – hi to you too." I cooed him.

"He sure loves licking things," Silas said causing me to bust out laughing.

Silas asked me to sit and relax while he went to take a quiet shower. I was playing with Bear meanwhile. He had a stuffed toy dog while he loves to play with. Bear came to me with the stuffed toy in his mouth and put it on my lap. "Wow, is this yours?" I asked him and barked while rubbing his face over my knee. I scratched him behind his ear before he ran away again. I laughed at the enthusiastic dog as he came back with something else in his mouth.

"Now, what is this?" I asked him as he put a full cigarette box on my lap and barked. I frowned, "Bear, where did you find this?" I asked him as he barked and sat on the couch beside me. I narrowed my eyes, "Is it Silas's?" I asked to myself. When did he start to smoke?