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It has consumed me; love. With all it's power.

I am lost at sea where I can not tell the difference between left and right, up or down. It's like I'm drowning and I want to swim up to the surface but I can't. I so desperately want to come up for air, my lungs are burning, but I can't.

It's such a strange feeling to love someone so much that it hurts. I always just imagined myself falling in love like every other human being does. That it would be undramatic and simple; and the feelings would bubble at first, then go down to a simmer, but they would never stop. Because that's how real love works, right? It's never as strong as the first time you feel it, but some events in life ignites that feeling only for a moment.

But I have that feeling all the time. That feeling that's supposed to go down to a simmer? It is still bubbling and whatever is used to turn it down and then ignite it has left mine on to burn. And sometimes it hurts because is this really how it should be? Can you love too hard? Too much? Too sincere? Can you really be so in love with someone that you sacrifice everything you have in life just to be with them?

It doesn't sound sane.

I don't know if I am sane. I don't know if what I'm feeling is even real. What if it's a lie? Or a dream? How can I keep on living if I can at any time wake up to nothing? How can I live when knowing nothing is what it seems?

It is in situations like these that I wish I had you near. That I wish my feelings weren't so strong that you had to suffer from it. It's me, and the way I feel, that has made you lose a part of yourself. How can I live with that? How can I live with knowing what I have done to you, but still love so hard?

It is not sane. It is not good for me to feel this way. I'm selfish and ignorant for choosing someone else over you, but I can't help it.

It has consumed me. Love. With all its strength, and I am weak. Weak to my very core. But I guess that's okay, because I still feel love, and he feels it too. Far too much as well. And as we both try to fit our love for each other into our lives, I still wonder; was it worth it?

Was it worth losing you?

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Love. Isn't it strange? No one really knows just what it is because everyone experiences it differently. Is it good? Is it bad? Probably both, to be honest. Is it a feeling? You wouldn't say one single feeling, more like it's a whole lot of feelings combined to one category; because saying you're in love is more significant than to tell the actual story.

"You seem happy?"
"Yes, I'm in love."

"You seem confused?"
"Yes, I'm in love."

"You seem angry?"
"Yes I'm in love."

And that's it. The underlying feeling of just how happy you are, how confused you are, or how angry you are, is not told because it's far too much feelings put into one word that it cannot be explained.

People write books about how they survived being kidnapped, or about how they climbed Mount Everest, but they don't write down what they did every second of the day locked in that basement, or how each step felt going up that mountain. People don't care about the insignificant, the stuff that don't matters. But love; that matters.

And it was just that; love, that made Ashton walk through the aisle lit up in different colors as the sun beamed through the colorful window. The stained glass windows, making out the figure of a dove lifting from earth, carrying an olive branch to portray peace. It was love that made Ashton appreciate the beautiful window that lit up the church he was walking in to. It was love that had made Ashton realize that he couldn't carry his burden alone anymore.

AGL // lashtonWhere stories live. Discover now