Snapped - Entry 4

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"Loren..." I called her. Her eyes were glued to the ground, she wouldn't answer me. I walked up to her , removing her hands from her stomach.

"What happened Ma?" I asked again. She finally looked up at me her eyes filled with water. She shock her head, not wanting to tell me. But I wasnt going to give up, scares like that don't deserve to be on anyone's body, especially not Loren's . I just want to know where she got them from. 
"Loren! Fucking tell me. Its not like I'm gonna hurt you! I'm just trying to freaking help this hole time all I have been trying to do is help and you won't say a fucking word! How did you get those scars!?" . I snapped. It was bound to happen.

Her tears escaped her eyes and flew down her cheeks.

"Tell me" I said. She walked over to my dresser and grabbed her phone , she then walked over to me, and started typing, I rolled my eyes and took her phone away from her.

"No, I'm done with this texting shit Loren. Speak, you have a fucking mouth for a reason! " i semi yelled. She looked at me in disbelief, like she didn't expect me to say that. But I am fed up. I really am I waist half my summer trying to help a lost cause. I don't know what the hell I was thinking trying to get her ass to talk. I always set my self up for failar. 

And she just stood there looking at me. Crying. She snatched her phone out my hand and then grabbed her stuff. She stormed out my room.

"Ugggh!" I let out my frustration into a pillow on my bed.

"Im an asshole."



I put on my gym pants and tank top over my bathing suit once i got down stairs of Jas's house. Who the hell she thinks she is. I don't have to tell her shit i don't owe her SHIT. I then walked out the house slamming the door behind me. I speed walked home and walked into my house. My mom and Loren wasn't here. I know that because my moms car was gone. I walked upstairs to my room laid on the bed and cried.

After about 20 minutes of crying I pulled out my dairy and poured my soul out

Entry 4
August 28, 2015

Speak when you are angry - and
you'll make the best speech
you'll ever regret.
~Laurence J. Peter

I don't need anyone! Silent. I don't. For 7 years I was alone, I went though the pain alone, I screamed and cried alone. Why would I need anyone now! Especially her!? I don't need her! She is just another judgmental person who doesn't really know shit! I hate it! I hate her! I hate me! I hate my life. My life is an never ending story of disappointment, of pain, of hurt, of sadness. And I don't need anyone's sympathy. I have enough of my own. 7 year of hell he put me though. He is Dwayne, I havnt told you about him silent. But here it goes. Dwayne is my step father, after my daddy died, my mom got remarried the next year. I don't know how she did it so fast or why. I was too young to ask any questions, I was just happy to know that i was gonna have a new father because the "old one wasn't strong enough"   at least that's what mom told me. For the first couple months Dwayne was cool, he bought us gifts and ice cream and stuff. Everything was smooth and good until he moved in, and put his name on everything, he adopted me and Loura, so we were legally his, his name went on the lease, everything my mom every had was in his name. And to him that ment he owned us. He would go out at night and drink come back all hours of night, I would stay up and hear him and my mom arguing, and her screams. Sometimes I would get out of bed to help her. But she always told me she was alright, that i should go back to sleep. But she wasn't 'alright' she was weak, she was hurt, she was sad. In the morning she would have bruises on her face and arms. She always told us she slipped in the shower or some bullshit. But I wasn't stupid, I knew he hurt her. But I was too scared to tell anyone. Couple months after my mom constantly getting abused , I guess Dwayne got tired of her. Because he would come home drunk and come straight into my bed room. MY bed room. 11 year old ME. He had his way with me. He would beat me before he pried my legs open. No matter how much I screamed for help , my mother never came to my rescue, sometines i think its because he finally left her alone, she wasn't the one getting beat up and raped anymore, so she didn't care. For 7 years her daughter was getting getting abused by her 'lover' and she didn't do shit. I would try and run away, but no matter how far I ran he always found me and did as he pleased with me. He always told me when i ran it made him more angry and anger brings him pain so he would return the pain. So I stopped running. I gave up. When he came home at 2 or 3 in the morning intoxicated he would come to my bed room, fuck me and leave. And I would relief my pain and hurt by cutting my self. My arms, my wrists, my stomach. Thats where the scars on my stomach came from, i cut those too deep, the scars never went away. One day I cut a vain, and lost a lot of blood untill I pasted out. I woke up in the hospital, I almost died. I wasn't trying to kill my self. Not yet. I just wanted to relive the pain. That was 4 months ago, that's when my mom decided it was time to leave. When alomst killed myself ! We should of been left. The night he walked into my room we should of left. But no 7 years later! Its to late now. The damage has already been done.
That's it. I know I am not the only female that has been raped and abused at a young age, I know I'm not the only one who suffered, I know I'm not the only one who is scared. I wouldn't wish what I went through onto my worst enemy.
~silence is golden
~Silent Diary

I closed my diary and pushed it back under the pillow. I got up and walked into the bathroom. I stod in front of the bathroom mirror and lifted my tank top, reviling my stomach and the scars on them. I ran my fingers against each one remembering the occasion. I must of worried Jas when she seen them. But why would she be worried. Why does she care. She  obviously is tired of me. Its just some things people don't want to talk about! In my case talk at all.  It might be best for me to stay away from her. And let her enjoy what's left of her summer.

-hope y'all like.
-thank y'all for voting it means a lot to me
-I'm sorry if the chapter is all over the place. I felt like its all over the place.
-love y'all

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