The Way Merlin's Mind Works

Most recent journal entry: most recent Nightmare

"The chains bit into my wrists and I could feel my blood draining from my limbs. God, the cold iron shackles and the cell I sat in, super cautious idiots. I know this is a dream.. it has to be. Please God, let it be a dream. I often wonder if the life I have now, the life where no one knows that I'm a terrible monster.. at least in their eyes. I wonder if the life I have now, if it's just a dream and I'm currently unconscious, waiting for my death to come.

I heard the door open, and I see Percival and Leon come into my line of view. I looked for the acknowledgement and kindness I've grown to love in their eyes.. all I saw was pure and unadulterated hatred, betrayal and just furious pain in their eyes. Leon ripped open the cell door and Percival stepped in, violently grabbing my tattered shirt and ripping me from me cell, as an added bonus, both Leon and Percival punched me impossibly hard in the stomach, causing an eruption of pain and blood to spill from my lips. I hear the pure hatred in his voice as Leon spits,

"Move sorcerer." It hurts knowing that someone I called a friend would have that much hatred towards me. I stumble as I'm shoved from the dungeons, Percival and Leon's hands gripping my shoulders tightly and painfully, I'm pulled into the courtyard but Gwaine. I flinch as one of my best friends spits in my face, hissing with absolute hate.

"Move it, sorcerer." I wince as my bare feet scratch against the concrete, the pyre comes into view and I wince under the thought of the fire and I wince under the ever tightening grip of Gwaines hand on my bruised and battered shoulder.

I close my eyes tightly as Lancelot and Elyan tie me to the large wooden pole that sat in the middle of the pyre. I look to the balcony to see Arthur and Gwen standing next to each other, Gwen is crying. But she isn't crying for me, no. She's crying because of my "betrayal", she's crying over the death of an old friend. A friend that, in her mind, has been dead for close to 3 months. Everything burns and aches, my mind is fuzzy and I can feel my magic ripping itself from my blood. That's the difference between sorcerers and warlocks. Sorcerers are taught magic while warlocks are born with it. I remember I've tried to explain the difference, but in my friends minds.. I'm the same as everyone else with magic. In their eyes, I'm corrupt and disgusting, a bug that must be eliminated and destroyed.. i.e the pyre. I close my eyes as Arthur begins his speech,

"We stand here, to celebrate the execution of a sorcerer whom has been trying to destroy Camelot for years." No, no, no, no! No! NO! I scrunch my eyes tightly together as I hear the crackling of the fire and I don't open my eyes, I don't want to know which of my friends will be ending my life. I can already feel the heat, and seconds later, I feel the fire licking at my body. Soon, the pain becomes too much and I let out a pained scream. I open my eyes to see everyone, watching as I burn, unflinchingly. I watch as the people I view as my friends- My family burn me to my death.

This.. this pain hurts more than the flames. Suddenly, the pain intensifies and I fall into the welcomed darkness.'

I shot up, my mouth open in a silent scream. I'm glad I hadn't screamed, it's happened before and every time, Gaius had come into my room to check on me, where he'd find me with tears painting my cheeks, my entire body shaking violently and my clothes clinging to my sweat soaked body. I honesty am glad I hadn't woken Gaius up this time, I wasn't in the mood, nor did I have the energy to explain my newest nightmare to the physician. My hands were shaking violently, hell my entire body was shaking. I sighed as I realized how early it was.

In an about an hour, I'll stop shaking.

After that, once I've regained feeling in my chest, I'll get up and bring Arthur his breakfast.

I doubt I'll be myself for a few days, I don't I won't feel a harsh, chilling fear every time I look at the Knights and Arthur.

Give it a few days, and I'll be good as new.

Give a few days, and I'll smile as if I didn't dream of my best friends-my family burning me alive.

Give a few days, and I'll smile as if nothing happened.

I'll be ok. I always am.

.........

God, if Arthur and the others knew about how many scars I have now. But that is a story for another time. I don't think I've ever mentioned, even here in here, I've never mentioned how I've mentioned how I earned all these scars. But like I said, that's another story for another time."