➳ 𝐻𝑒𝓇 𝕕𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 - �

3

(Please don't proceed if you're sensitive towards sad stuff.)

Vent 1: ℍ𝕖𝕣 𝕄𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖

Date: 08-30-20

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⇝ I literally need more sleep.

○ I really need to fix my sleep schedule pronto. Im getting more sick and mom is literally gonna ground me and forbid me from using my phone for like a day. But i can't deny my friend who wants to play with me.

○ I don't know if y'all know this, but im a people pleaser. Im like Amajiki on BNHA except im not that shy. Im shy, yes, when the place i am is uncomfortable and new, but once i get used to it i guess those shyness goes away. I remember on my childhood days that i was actually a bright child. My mouth can't seem to stop moving, talking about anything and everything, but I guess some kids already found that annoying.

○ There was this one kid I remember who was at the same section i was, and i remember her glaring at me everytime the teacher calls me out for being too noisy. She never once failed to express how she loathes every part of me, and i guess that hate spread on others too, especially her close friends.

○ As a child, i was easily hurt of that. But my childhood spirit really didnt break, until the others pestered me too. When one time i worked hard to make my writing presentable, one child was like 'Ah, so you can write.' Child me took this as a compliment, but now that i think about it, they meant that to be an insult.

○ Sometimes, when my dad and mom gets angry at me, they say things that they later on regret. But i guess child me took it all to heart. To top it all off, my brother and i wasn't that very close too, for personal reasons.

○ Remembering all these, child me became..not the bright one anymore. I became quiet at the classes, i became doubtful towards my wants and my thoughts, hence making me useless during group projects. The one kid who always glared at me stopped, and i remember my mom telling me that one day, on our christmas party, she saw her glare at me venomously once i entered the classroom, for some reason.

○ From this point on, this feeling that had started to grow from me on middle school became anxiety and my cause of loss of my self-esteem. I started to badmouth myself in my head, but i never once told anyone, because i fear that they might think that im overreacting.

○ I guess Stockholm Syndrome started to grow as well, with me starting to doubt more. It had gone through, getting worse and worse as I proceeded school life. Thats when i started to do it. Cutting my arms.

○ I didnt know what was on my mind. At first, the terrible badmouthing in my head stopped when I did, so I thought it was for stress relief so I was okay. The moment I started highschool, was the moment i started cutting and hating myself even more.

○ People always portrayed me as that one kid who's laid back and always tells jokes. That one kid who's in love with anime and romance shenanigans. That one friendly kid who you can go to for support, or hugs, knowing i'll always accept them with open arms. I made it that way in order for them to not suspect anything. I had many friends because of this. But they always had that one group they can go too, but for some reason can't tell them the things they tell me. 

○ I guess i thought then that i needed to comfort those around me, and no one needs to comfort myself. Not that i needed those anyway.

○ But when i started highschool, i also met these 4 girls that became friends because they were absolute nerds. They were those kids who wants to always have their score on top. They were those kids that wanted their grades higher than the average ones. I met one of them, and she was super nice.

○ Since I've grown accustomed to being left alone after they needed comfort, i never thought that she'd stick to me. I didn't ask why, i never wanted to. Because i thought that she only needed me for something, and that something isnt coming yet, but if it does then i'll be left alone later.

○ But she didn't leave me alone. They even introduced me to their friends, who were also nice. I got along with them, and soon i became part of their group. I always had that thought that they will leave me alone soon anyway, and that always scared me, since i've taken a liking to them.

○ But they did stick to me, until the last year i spent my highschool years on that school. They made me laugh, and they made me feel like i was indeed a part of them. Those doubts soon started to go away, but for some reason, the badmouthing in my head started to get worse. I guess i was careless that day, the day they caught me cutting my arm.

○ They told me to tell them if i had any problems, but i always had trouble on expressing my true feelings. I guess that doubt still stayed, that they'd think im overreacting. But they comforted me, and for the first time, i cried in front of them. I never cried in front of my friends, since i dont see the reason to, but i couldnt stop my tears that day.

○ The other friends that i comforted noticed this, and i guess they asked me if i were okay. And then they themselves gave me a hug, which made me cry more. All i thought that the world only needed me for other's comfort, that i am just that one plushie that someone hugs when they're sad, and throws away when they're done.

○ My mom also caught me cutting myself, since she saw a cutter on my bed. She started to have a gut feeling but she didnt think it was true. They saw my diary, and they talked to me, with my mom crying. I never felt so guilty in my life, since many times i tried suicide. I tried, but i never had the courage to fully do it.

○ I guess...i was wrong.

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(I had trouble publishing this because it was way too serious. I hope you dont give me sad eyes, reader. Because im over it, hehe.)