i'm fading away falling under your spell

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i know i'm supposed to be doing homework rn, especially since half of it is due tomorrow, but i really need to rant rn

okay so i've recently been reading more on what qualifies as toxic and manipulative behavior and holy crap i never realized how fucking shitty my parents are. i always stand up for them bc yeah, they supported me after i came out to them, they're cool about my trans friends, they buy clothes and posters and books and they're not like strict parents. but from the stuff i've been reading that doesn't entirely count as nontoxic or non-manipulative behavior. they are against the rioting and every time i try to explain why people have the right to do it, they get all pissy and say "it's american history"  fucking shitty history. they make a ton of racist jokes, some homophobic jokes, they always ask invasive questions to me like "so you're sure you aren't just a lesbian?" or "i want you to adopt a chinese baby okay?" or "if you marry a man, i want you to be pregnant." it fucking pisses me off that they constantly try to assume things about me.

and there's this kid on the conners that liked to dress feminine. my dad always tries to equate that to him being trans and i constantly tell him he's not trans and then he gets mad bc he thinks the show is cancelling their trans representation and again HES NOT FUCKING TRANS KIDS CHANGE IF HE WANTS TO FUCKING WEAR A SKIRT THAT DOES NOT EQUATE TO GENDER and this really gets me bc the fact that i have to come out to them as nonbinary is fucking revolting. i don't want to bc i just know they'll keep dead naming me and shit and then guilt trip me into feeling bad for correcting them.

they are master manipulators, throughout my childhood, every time something didn't go their way like i was standing my ground and telling them my honest opinion they give me the silent treatment, don't look at me, and say " it's fine, you always hate me." and then the other one will jump in and try to "lighten" the situation by saying "are you happy, you made your mother/father mad." and for the fucking salt in the wound, they'll turn to each other and say IN FRONT OF ME "some people are always mean to me and i don't know why"

naturally i took after this behavior bc i learned that this was acceptable behavior, so did my sister. no fucking wonder people hated me in elementary. i'm actually proud of my sister bc she has been educating herself and she hasn't been nearly as offensive as she used to be. it really makes me feel so much better that now that she's an adult that she's finally grown up bc i'd 100% feel comfortable coming out to her and her boyfriend.

now my chest is constricting and i'm listening to here comes a thought in an attempt to calm down and not stress out about the fact that i won't finish my hw bc ik taking a mental break is important otherwise i'll severely burn myself out.

it's just upsetting to think about how i always used to compare my mom to mother gothel, not necessarily bc she's evil or anything but bc when i first saw that movie, i noticed that the way mother gothel was like identical to my mom with me. someone pointed out that the part where she yells at rapunzel and says "great, now i'm the bad guy." is a sign of manipulation bc she knows that immediately after saying that, rapunzel will do what she wants her to do.

ever since i was little i've fought with my family but i've also always longed for their approval. i constantly push myself to be the best at all costs, even if it means cheating on hw and stuff, i try to make teachers love me so my parents can hear all about how amazing i am during parent teacher conferences, i've even started submitting to my parents just so we don't fight and they'll like me more. i constantly bite back what i want to say, i rant on here instead and it's so gross bc it feels like they've trained me to be obedient to them and that's fucking disgusting

i should probably do my hw, bye bye ig

8/26/20

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