chapter 11

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"YOU WHAT??" sarah screams. we're in the bathroom hiding from teachers in resource. We havent found a cool enough teacher that will let us hang out in their room the whole block yet.

i sigh, "i think carters kinda cute...." i mean im allowed to have my opinions. no one knows him yet and even though ive kinda built up a reputation with guys im trying to break free from that. i dont know why shes freaking out, all i said was he's cute.

"Nikki. come on. i thought you were done with liking every boy you meet?" she asks me very cautious. Even though i know she's just being a friend i feel the sting in her voice. She knows i want to change, and i know she wants to help.

"i just think he's cute. no harm no foul." i say trying to convince myself too.know that when my old self said someone was cute i would be all over dating them or something. I've never done anything worse than make out with someone i wasn't dating, but i know i need to be careful who i tell i think is cute.

she takes in my words and thinks about it for a second, "okay but don't date him right away," she says, "get to know him and talk to him."

"okay....i dont even know if i want to date him. we just met him last week." i say. she rolls her eyes knowing im lying and walks out, and i follow.

when i get home i have no homework so i go into my room and go on my secret iPod. first i check instagram and spend 1 hour on there, then go to twitter and spend way too long on there, then finally snapchat, and the rest of my night is snapchat and texting my friends. Sometime around 11pm i end up scrolling through my pictures, reliving this summer. smiling at my iPod like an idiot is just the beginning of a unfortunate night. i start at the beginning and work my way through all the pictures i have when i come across this one picture i dont remember saving, but i recognize it right away. Its my mother, driving, smoking a bubblier.As if on cue a tear leaves my eye as i stare at the photo. Aside from thinking about how she's missed yet another first day of school, this is the first time i start to think about my mother since school started. "how does she always wiggle her way into my mind?" i ask myself.

Carter has gotten more comfortable at school, and is talking to more people. Every girls likes him now and Sarah and I think its just because he's new, because last year we had a new kid for 2 weeks and every girl liked him even though no one knew anything about him. When Sarah and i get to choir Carter and Vance are talking to Dean, a special ed kid in our class, they're always talking to him and making him feel welcome which is part of the reason im really close friends with Vance. when he sees me he walks over to me, "hey i saw you texted me this morning. i fell asleeo really early last night, whats wrong?" he asks. I really want to tell him but i cant tell him right here in the middle of class.

"umm....nothing...." is all i say.

i know he wants to push and find out whats wrong but all he says is, "okay." he gives me a worried look then walks back to his seat. He still doesnt know and we've been really close since last year, but i didnt tell Annie and Kat till this past summer and even then i really wasnt ready to tell anyone.

The rest of the day goes by slow and steady. nothing happens. when i get home i go straight to my room and dont come out till dinner. i spend most of the time crying and writing in my "diary", which is something i only do when i want to remember something or something big happens. When im called down to dinner i wipe my eyes and breathe. i dont want Claire and my dad knowing i've been crying. Im honestly surprised they havent put me in therapy yet.

*****hey guys thank you so much for reading! Please comment and vote if you like the book so far! So just a little update I will sadly not be updating till Sunday January 25! I'm really sorry about that but next week is exam week and I need to start spending all of my time studying this weekend but I promise on January 25 there will be an update!

Xoxo, ash_murph_

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