Hello, I am looking for her out there
Why hasn't anybody seen her?
And is there any kind of way to find her?
[Mallory Knox - Hello]
I cross another road off the map that I have on my dashboard; half of Paxton is already crossed out. I spent the last 6 days driving around the city, systematically passing through every road, every little pathway, scanning every house, every building. Nothing so far. There is no trace of her, or of Drew for that matter. He magically disappeared and took her with him, and the thought makes me physically sick. Just thinking about what he might be doing to her...
No. Stop. I can't go down that way. If I let myself dwell on it too much I'll snap, I'll completely fall apart and I can't do that. I have to find her. That's what I have to focus all my energy on. Missing her, drowning in my sorrows is reserved for the nights, for when I lie in bed without her by my side and the hole in my heart seems to expand until there is nothing left of me but pain. But for now I have to keep going, I can't give up. I dragged her into this mess, it is entirely my fault and I know that if I don't find her and get her out of this it'll kill me. There's no sense to my existence anymore, so if I can't find her...
I angrily toss the map onto the passenger's seat and drive off to scan the next road. There's only a few left and so far I've had absolutely no luck. I didn't find anything, no clue, no information, nothing. I'm almost certain that Drew isn't even keeping her in Paxton but I don't know where else he would take her, I know he has a lot of properties all over the country but I have no idea where they are. I drove back to Drews office countless times, asking everyone I could find about where he is but nobody knew. I even beat the shit out of Mason, Drews right hand, only to find out that he doesn't know anything about Blue. I searched the entire office, every room, every fucking cupboard I could find but all the information about Drews properties has magically disappeared. He's just too fucking good at what he does and it frustrates me to no end that nobody knows a single thing about this. Even the guards Drew used to drag her away from me that day have disappeared, no one has seen them since. My fingers automatically tighten around the steering wheel as my mind travels back to that fatal day, that day she decided to follow me. My stupid, stupid girl. Why did she do it? Why couldn't she just let it be? Because she loves you, idiot. And it's not her fault, it's yours. Fuck, I know. It's all my fault, and I can't cope with it. I just can't. Knowing that she's in this situation because of me, knowing that I'm responsible for her suffering drives me fucking insane. If I could swap places with her I would, in an instant. I'd take all the pain Drew would inflict on me if it would keep her safe because that's all that matters to me. But I failed, once again. I couldn't keep my family safe, I couldn't keep my Mum safe and I couldn't keep Blue safe. I'm a fuck up, the biggest fuck up on this planet. I'm a death angel. No, fuck, I'm no angel at all. All I bring is hell, hell for those close to me. I always bring hell over those that matter the most, and now she's suffering because of me, because I dragged her into my hell. Slamming onto the brakes I bring the car and jump out, then bend over as my body constricts and cramps shake me, getting rid of the sandwich I forced down my throat this morning. Even when there's nothing left in my stomach I keep dry heaving, the image of Drew touching her, hurting her is just too much for me to take. Fuck. I lean my weak body against the car, searching for strength, for something to keep me upright but I feel like I've been in a constant free fall for the past six days and every day that passes without any sign of her I get closer to hitting the bottom with full force. And I know that once I've hit the ground I won't ever get back up.
"FUCK!" I yell and sink down to my knees, fisting my hair and tugging hard in a gesture that has become all too familiar over the last days. I miss her. I want her back, I need her back but it all seems to pointless, I've been trying for days and I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do. The police isn't doing shit either, they're the most useless group of people I've ever come across with all their fucking rules and restrictions, they're not helping at all. Maybe that's because you haven't told them the entire story, asshole. True, I haven't told them much. But if I tell them everything, about Drews business and why I'm caught up with it they'll put me straight to jail and lock me up and then I won't be able to help them finding Blue. And I won't be there to take her into my arms when they eventually find her. If they find her. But I have to believe that we'll find her because if we don't... She's worth it though. If it means getting her back I'll have to come clean. If going to jail is what I have to do to get her back then I'll gladly do it.