chapter one

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Quote of the day: "I have nothing to live for if the one person I live for doesn't want me alive."

Rafia Islam (she's a friend of mine but she's a real pain in the ass

A word of advice: never get her mad. I made that mistake and she cut me.)

January 7, 2015

Dear seventh grade heart,

Do you remember that day we met? Maybe you do or maybe you don't. Maybe I'm just some easy whore that you had stripped of her dignity. Or maybe you think that it's easy to play with my feelings. You have my heart, so why don't you play it until I'm too broken? No one wants to play with a broken doll.

I've been thinking about how I can't get you out of my mind for so long. You might be a few months younger but I really don't care. In love, age, gender, height or weight doesn't matter. (Credits to my friend and editor.) Ours can be a forbidden love because I know you would never allow yourself to love someone like me. Last year at my birthday party, you said that you wanted to marry a bikini model. I could feel my heart shatter because I know that I'm far from any type of model. You call me a fatass every time we meet and I can't help but wish that I could die because you look at me with disgust.

Over the past year, I've changed a lot. I've become uglier and more depressed. Have you ever looked at my arms before? They're all red from my scars but the worst of all is my broken heart.

I can't help myself when it comes to cutting but I'm a coward. I'm afraid of blades so I use safety pins. I'm not perfect or the girl of your dreams. But let me ask you a question. What's so safe about a safety pin?

I saw you two times today. Your eyes may have caught mine but it doesn't make much of a difference. I wrote poem today. I hope one day you'll see this and maybe you can find it in your heart to help me smile once more.

My crescent moon smile

It's so amazing how you can hide your pain

You can pretend there's a rainbow when all you have is rain

You can wear long sleeves when you just had just been cut

But I'll know something is wrong when you flinch away from my touch

You can wipe away your tears and cover your ears

But there are some things that you will have to hear

I can't really say how I hide my pain because you might not care at the end of the day

I hide my tears with emotionless eyes

And cover my cuts with bandages made of lies

You might not know this and you might not care

But you are the only one who takes away my pain

It's been such a while since that day when

I put on my crescent moon smile.

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