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Pen Your Pride

No one cares they're just pretending

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~Claire's Point Of View~
I feel like no one would care if I killed myself they would just pretend to care. After a few years my boyfriend would move on and find another girl my 'friends' would forget I wasn't there after a few hours or days my 5 best friends would eventually find another best friend and after a few while my family would forget me too. I feel like I don't fit in I am and always will be that fat tall loud mouth bitchy girl that everyone is afraid of even though I have never punched anyone everyone thinks I'm scary. The only person that truthfully helps me is Michael, Kenzie and Ashton they make me feel less worthless and they make me feel pretty and special. Society says that everyone is pretty and perfect and you where born to stand out but when someone like me an obese tall tomboy girl that likes Green Day, Nirvana, and We the Kings but also likes country music comes along we get tore down to bits by none other but society. People don't understand how much pain someone must be in to drag a blade across their skin just to see blood and feel the relief or how much someone must hate themselves to starve not allowing themselves to eat or how when they do eat that they are so afraid of gaining weight that they force themselves to puke. It's fucked up that teens can be in their rooms having panic attacks and cutting and overdoseing while their parents are watching tv not knowing what is happening and how a lot of those same teenagers have realitively normal lifestyles yet they have depression and mental disorders and its fucking terrible that our generation is "reckless" though the only thing we have wrecked is ourselves. I hate when people say "Tell me what's wrong, you can trust me" even when you tell them that you just don't want to talk about it or "it's fine" when the truth is we're afraid to tell people how we feel because it would destroy them to know what is actually happening so we bury it inside ourselves and it destroys us. I'm so used to people lying to me and using me and walking out when I need them most and pretending to be my friend and talking shit about me and dissappointing and leaving me hanging and I'm used to being replaced and getting my heart broken and getting my self esteem put down and it's sad that when someone does these things that I can truthfully say that I'm used to it because it has been done to me so many times. I hate my life but everyone thinks I'm happy. If it wasn't for my fake smile they would see the real me the depressed useless girl that cries herself to sleep almost every night the one who is embarrassed to wear shirts that come above her wrist the girl that dislikes changing in the locker room because someone might see the scars on her hip. The girl that screams and cries and goes insane and has panic attacks but no they don't see the real me they see the weird farm girl that crushes on boys way out of her league and falls down stairs and dresses in sweatshirts and jeans everyday. No one sees the real me and I hope they never do no matter how hard it gets to fake that smile I never want anyone to see the real me because the real me is a monster. The only people who even get close to knowing and seeing the real me is Ashton and Kenzie and even they will never see the real me because it is hideous. Isn't it ironic that we kill flowers because of their beauty but kill ourselves because we think we are not.

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