chapter 9

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my mind hasnt stopped racing. i cant stop thinking about her. it hasnt been this bad in a while. i dont know what to do. i had finally been able to put my mom out of my mind, and i was happy, what changed?

I told!

Every since that night she hasnt left my head. it's like shes living there, all her secret and choices. i hate her. i can't believe what she did to me. i just dont understand how you could do that to your children! She has lied to me all my life, about everything i bet. When she asked me for gas money when i was 9, it probably was used for drugs. When she went out to parties, she probably was high the whole time doing some guy. OH MY GOD! she named my cat and dog after weed! my cat Kaia, which is a type of weed. my dog tiva, which is short for sativa i bet! i cant believe she would do something so idiotic, did she think i wouldnt find out?

This is really stressing me out. i cant believe its 2am on a tuesday night and im still awake thinking about this. all i want to do is cry and punch my wall. I should punch the wall becasue then i could take a picture of it and send it to her to show her how she makes me feel. i feel like shit! she's probably high right now, not giving a damn and here i am thinking about punching my wall and getting all worked up becasue my mother of all people didnt do her job. now i understand why everyone tells me im mature for my age.

now i understand why people always tell me im so mature for my age. i was waking myself up for school when i was in 4th grade and on. no wonder i dont trust anyone else to wake me up now, because she didnt when it was her job so i took over. no wonder i dont handle punishment very well she was always too high to care how nicholas and i acted, and when she did she never stuck to her punishment, Nanny always punished us and picked us up from school and made us dinner and provided a house for us. I dont see how she could be so selfish.

i remember one time everyone else's moms were there to pick up their kids and mine wasn't, instead it was my nanny who picked me up and i love her everyday for that but i still didnt feel right becasue everyone else had their mom there and i didnt. I remember in brownies (i was like 7-8) when i got my good deeds pin turned around (it was a very big deal we had a huge ceremony and we had to recite this thing and everything!) your mother was supposed to be there with you and turn you pin for you. My mother didnt show up, and when my name was called i had butterflies because i had worked so hard to be able to do this and when i looked around the room and didnt see my mom i almost burst into tears, she knew how much it meant to me and she didnt come. my brownies leader said she would do it for me, but just as i walked across the bridge and over to the 'pool of water' (it was just a mirror and you have to stare at yourself while you say the thing) my nanny came in and turned my pin, then when the ceremony was done she took me to a movie and ice cream. every since that day i had a feeling my mother was a flake!

It didnt seem like my mother was making any effort to actually be a mother, so why should i put in effort to like her and trust her? Why did i ever tell anyone? Its 3:30am and ive cried out all my tears, but i still can't sleep. Why am i so unlucky to have gotten a mother like Erin? What did i ever do wrong?

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