Chapter 13: Dazed

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The last couple weeks have been absolute hell for us.

We buried Beth.

We stopped by a nice bushed in area by the woods. Everyone helped dig the hole. I think everyone sheded a tear. I also think Carl had a thing for her.

But that doesn't matter, right?

We're, I mean, they're out here burying someone they loved dearly and here I am, thinking about my boyfriend liking someone else.

Someone who's dead.

How could I be so self centered at this point?

We're standing out here in the cold, none of us has showered in months. I think we're all feeling pretty shitty at the point.

Shaking.

Cold.

Afraid.

Starving.

Thirtsy. 

I could keep listing.

Some of us even feel alone. Even though we're right beside each other almost every minute of the day. We dug a hole and Father Gabriel gave a small speech after we placed her in the hole.

"We look not at what can be seen but we look at what cannot be seen for what can be seen is temporary but what cannot be seen is internal." He says.

We all walked about after throwing dirt over her small and fragile body. We search for anything that can be spared or scavenged.

Me and Carl are kinda distant from each other even though we're right beside each other all the time.

He's either always staring at the ground or directly in front of him. I'll ask him if he's okay and he'll just mumble those two words that break my heart into a million pieces each time he says it.

"I'm fine."

We know he's lying. Everyone does. Beth was Carl's first friend after the shit hit the fan. As I was with Haley I can kinda understand. I just didn't really mourn, you know? I felt like she was never really there in the first place.

Rick told me he's been through loss before. Only one hit him as hard as this one.

His mom. Lori.

He felt alone after his mom's dead. Like the people around his weren't there.

He felt alone.

He killed his mom. I mean I did too, but I didn't have a choice, I mean I did, but I didn't.

We're all huddled into the firetruck, driving down the road, trying to find a savehaven,

Maggie start talking to Glenn about Beth. I put my hand over hers.

"I'm sorry about her." I start. "I felt like I could have stopped her death. I felt like I knew her." 

That's when she snaps.

"Well you didn't okay?! So stop acting like you were her best friend and that you knew her and her death is all your fault!!" She screams at me.

"I-I'm sorry." I mumble.

"No you're not, you have no idea what it's like to lose someone you love." She scoffs.

That's when I snap.

"Like hell I don't!" I yell. "I had to kill my parents after I ate my sister, do you know how that feels?! Huh? No! You don't! Now shut your mouth and think about what comes out of your mouth before you say something that hurtful!" I yell, sitting back down and covering my face with my hands.

Carl wraps his arms around me.

Damn this boy.

***

We're in the woods, sitting around a fire, laughing, smiling, eating.

Eating squirrels and rabbits.

I'm sitting beside Carl, holding his hand, leaning against his shoudler, smiling, tired.

Everyone looks at me and Carl.

"What?" I laugh.

"You guys are adorable." Rick smiles. "After Lori died I really didn't know what love was anymore. I was scared of it. I mean what is love anymore? Loving someone then having then ripped apart by flesh-eating beasts? I don't think so."

"Mom wasn't ripped apart by flesh-eating beasts." Carl says, defensing his mom.

"Okay Carl sure." Rick laughs.

Carl gets up and grabs my hand and pulls me up and we walk deeper into the woods.

He smiles and presses his lips to mine and I smile and wrap my arms around his neck as he deepens the kiss.

"I love you Sarah." He smiles.

"I love you Carl." I smile as we sit together against a tree.

We don't have much conversation before he kisses my cheek and walks back over to the campfire.

I decide to search deeper into the woods.

I go about 50 more feet into the woods before stting down and wondering how better my life could get in this world.

I start dozing off. I won't let myself though.

I get up and climb a tree and look around seeing small tops of trees and wondering what would life be like as a bird.

In theis world you're being shot almsot everyday and eaten. Imagine that. Flying around, a carefree thought in the world, being wtih your flock before have a bullet hit you and you fall to the ground, shot, scared, unable to fly away. Honestly imagine that. Then being pick up and having all you feathers ripped from you body. Your warmth. Then being sliced up and cooked over a fire. Of course by now you're dead so you have no idea that this is happening but just imagine it. A few days ago you were flying around being free. Loving life. Then being killed. I'd hate that. I'd really hate that. Why can't we all just be free, happy, and care-free.

My thoughts are interrupted by sudden scream and cries.

I jump out of the trees, my foot making a funny sound before limp-running over to the camp. 

I'm about 10 feet away when I see them.

Walkers.

I pull my gun from my holster.

I run around the camp, trying to take down as many as I can.

I hear gunshots, stabbing sounds, screams.

I look up and see a walker bite Maggie. I shoot it and Glenn catches her before she falls to the ground.

I'm about a few feet from Carl and I shoot a couple around him.

When one comes out of the darkness and sinks it's teeth into Carl's neck. 

I scream and run over to him

"No, no no no." I say as I hold him close to me.

"I know how this works." He says.

"I love you Carl. Please don't die. Please." I sob.

"Keep Judith safe for me. Beat this world. Please. I-I love you Sarah." As he takes his last breath he mumbles those four words that kill me. 

"I love you Sarah."


His eyes shut and I cry harder. I pull my gun from my holster and place the nuzzle againt his forehead.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I say as I lay my finger on the trigger.

As my heart falls into a black abyss I pull the trigger.

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That's when I wake up screaming. 

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