Intimate Good-byes

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I don't understand why I still love you this much. Why can't I let go? Now that you are not in my life anymore I often find myself thinking about you.

I know where you are and I know you are still waiting for me to come back to you. Don't hold your breath on that one. I can not allow that to happen.

Though you served me well for a period in my life I am afraid there is no undoing the damage you caused. It is rather strange how much I wish you could be a part of my new-found happiness, but you cant have your cake and eat it to (or so they say).

I know all to well the price you come with. I only want the best of you, the comfort you provided me (once you made sure there was noone left in my life to hold me), you were almost always right there with me when you weren't I could barely stand to be alive without you. You made me feel strong when that couldnt have been further than the truth.

My tears almost burn my cheeks as I remember a time when I had none to give, you took my life away, but with it you also took away the pain it hid. I have been fighting this battle for over a year now and though it is hard without you, I know there would be nothing to fight for if I took you back. A war in which I surely would not have be engaged in if you had not waged it upon my soul. Yet I remain grateful.

So I fight not to call on you, knowing that you have not changed and your answer will be just as suave and cunning as it was the first day we met.

I know I have changed and I have grown, surely I can not be so easily swayed and manipulated by you... but I refuse to temp myself.

I reminise on the times when you would make me feel so alive, so sensual, exotic, beautiful, sexy... of course that was usually followed with a sense of degradation and in turn poor self-image, luckily there you were again to take those feelings away as fast as you had created them in the first place... little did I know they never really left, I only shifted my focus back to you.

You gave me the energy to stay up night after night doing housework and cleaning so that my family could see what a great homemaker I was, only to neglect the children that made the mess during the days while I slept. You brought me to euphoric hieghts I never thought possible, such exctasy, knowing that once you were gone I could never again feel like that with or without you.

I trusted you. Truth is... you never dissapointed me. All I ever wanted from you was to feel loved and to have a good time in your company now and then. You loved me so much you were willing to have me die for you.

You surpassed all of my expectations, you gave me nothing and yet somehow left me with EVERYTHING.

I put my trust in you because I knew you'd follow through, you made the mistake of thinking I would too. I almost did...came close several times. Some people see the signs then but I knew who you were already, I held onto you ever so dearly all the while knowing your intentions were to ravage my body, infiltrate my every thought and ultimately destroy my life. I was just happy to see you keep your word. I wanted you to kill me, I knew you could and would if I had just held on a little longer.

Somewhere along the line, just before that point, I had a moment of clarity, but just enough to know I could make it without you, even though I didnt want to. Because here I sit, still greiving my loss.

Some may wonder why I consider you a loss, when I've gained so much in your absence, i believe you never gain without sacrifice. I had to leave a part of me with you that I never got to say good-bye to. That broken, weak, used and abused, beaten down, desperate, helpless, lonely, scared little girl who found solice with you. She is now and forever will be just a part of the memory that is you.

Thank you for being what she thought she needed. Thank you for honouring her and cradling her in the darkness you provided to clothe her naked, trembling and weak body while I was hiding and unaware.

So this is my good-bye to you. You shown me things I never wouldve sought out to see and though your attempts were to bring chaos and mischeif to me you in turn brought me serenity and peace, you opened my eyes to life and death and for all that and more... I am grateful.

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