but the years went by and the rock just died, suzie went and left us

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this was one of the first songs i listened to this morning and honestly this is one of my favorite elton john songs :) rocketman really brought this one & benny and the jets to life, it was so awesome. the cinematography was beautiful and the slight choreography and ugh i am fully convinced that that movie was better than bohemian rhapsody by FAR like i love bohemian rhapsody and i definitely love queen just a tad more than elton but come on rocketman was just so beautiful, every scene, every story it was all brought together beautifully. AND THE SYMBOLISM. i'm really hoping this was the intention and not just my brain reading too much into it but THE FACT THAT HE IS SLOWLY STRIPPING DOWN HIS PERFORMANCE OUTFIT AS THE THERAPY SESSION GOES ON IS AMAZING SYMBOLISM THAT HES STRIPPING DOWN HIS LAYERS AND GETTING DEEPER INTO THE LIFE HE HAD AND HOW IT ALL AFFECTED HIM FHJDKS LOVE THAT

omigosh okay so we all know i barely saw hamilton like a month ago and i'm not really in the fandom bc ya know these are real people, most of which were a lot like trump sooo. but anyways i've only ever remembered like three of the songs. there's of course the one that plays all the time ('how does an immigrant blah blah i hate hamilton bc he does what i do but he gets attention for it') then of course the burny songs ('i see how you look at my sister' and 'i'm erasing myself from the narrative BURN MOTHERF**KER BURN') and the ones where they're signing their names ('i have the honor to be your obedient servant a dot whoever is singing rn') oh yeah and those jefferson songs ('hamilton can't be president bc he's a loser lmao' and 'damn must be nice to be the teachers pet') but i only actually know the lyrics to the burn ones, even then it's patchy.

okay now lemme explain why i went on that tangent. i had a dream that instead of doing my project for human geo, i presented myself rapping along to a hamilton song (something about washington and/or hamilton) and one of my classmates (who may i remind you is obsessed with hamilton, she's really gonna be on broadway some day as a director of actress (especially if she can sing)) just stood up and applauded me loudly. she was in love with my performance and that made me very happy. normally this wouldn't be weird but I DONT KNO THE RAPPING SONGS IN HAMILTON AND THE SONG I WAS RAPPING IN MY DREAM WAS NOT IN THE MUSICAL OR ON THE ALBUM I COMPLETELY MADE IT UP IN MY DREAM yeah you read that right, i improvised a rap in my sleep, a rap about history, history that i do not actually know but somehow knew in my dream. freaking cool dude

last night i had a mini breakdown :( basically i overheard my family talking about me thinking i couldn't hear them and they didn't really say anything bad but they were complaining about me and they said i was weird. normally that shouldn't be bad but for some reason it triggered a wave of locked away memories and emotions that i pushed down years ago and i just started sobbing and it was so bad that i imagined that the sides were all around me. in hind sight that's really weird and creepy but ig it was my brain's way of trying to solve the problem. so basically i was sobbing into my pillow (which was patton btw) and i was just ranting and all these suggestions popped up (which i imagined came from patt, janus, and logan) and i kinda went through them. and one popped up (coming from virgil) telling me to tell my friends, rant to them, talk to them, open up, and boy oh boy i had a psychological breakthrough.

since no one reads this i'm just gonna put it here. basically i don't open up about what i'm feeling to my friends for two reasons. one, bc my parents taught me to hide all that away, cry into your pillow at night maybe someone will hear you and help you sleep but that's it. we already knew that one. two, basically i'm scared of my thoughts and emotions. actually a lot of it scares me. i get intrusive thoughts a lot and i deal with them by telling myself they don't make me a bad person and i don't have to listen to them. but there are some that i really don't want to talk about and barely even wanna mention rn, those scare me the most. for some reason i can't reason my way out of them like i can do with the others. so when i have breakdowns or have an episode or get close to serious crying, i'm scared to tell my friends bc what if i tell them why and they look at me differently? what if they treat me weird bc now they've seen me at my lowest point? what if they laugh when i tell them why i'm feeling not so great? i'm scared that how i'm feeling is too vulnerable, i'm scared that maybe my feelings are ridiculous and i shouldn't be so upset over them. i'm scared that one day i'll turn into everything i don't want to be and my friends will hate me or be scared of me or something and i don't want to see the look of disappointment on people's faces when they realize i can be like five different people, when they realize i'm careful around everyone just in case i say or do something that makes them get weirded out by me. honestly i'm sure if i didn't walk on eggshells around everyone, i would be the annoying kid that people are only friends with to be nice.

but yeah so i really didn't want to talk to anyone. as much as i love being given attention to, it feels really weird and it feels a lot like sympathy sometimes and i don't like that.

but then i realized this book actually helps me not have much anxiety when opening up to other people (over text at least) and i kinda texted my friend and asked him about something (about him moving bc he briefly brought it up earlier) and i kinda told him how i was minorly breaking down. and even though his text was short and barely anything it really made me feel SOOOO much better and i just hope he knows that i crash and burn without him bc he's been my partner in crime for years <3 we've seen each other in our worst of phases. well more like he's seen my in my worst phases (aka having 20 bracelets on each arm, wearing baseball tees under everything, wearing fingerless gloves every day, having dora bangs, being "the straight one" in the group, wearing full rainbow and unicorn every free dress day, aaaaand having a crush on a terrible girl. that one isn't really a phase just a terrible memory) so yeah i love him so freaking much i really hope i can get my head out of my ass and stop starting fights for no reason other than the fact that i'm insecure and don't want to talk about it bc i really wanna stay best friends as adults

anywho i looked like a crazy person begging the figments of my imagination to stay bc i'm scared

well, there's not much else, school's starting soon and i'm not excited for the stress. i'm hoping everyone will be safe enough by halloween bc every year since like fifth or sixth grade i've spent halloween with my best friend and i'm not ready to give that up. we go trick or treating every year, they even dressed up as janus in eighth grade while i dressed as roman and even though i didn't have enough confidence to explain my costume to everyone, they did and it really made my entire night. yes ik every year the neighbors tell us we're too old for it but who the hell cares granny? be happy we're not egging your house. this year i think i'll give all of my candy to them bc i don't really care for the sugar rn :(

that's all ig, love ya, buh bye!!

8/9/20

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