Blue Howard (boyxboy)

You break my neck, I break your heart part 2

Dear fellow humans, literature lovers and darlings,

This new chapter was very lively in my head, very lucid, but I'm afraid I have not been able to deliver it that way. So I think you have to let your imagination take you places.

But best of luck in reading it (?) 

and enjoy :)

Chapter 21 – You break my neck, I break your heart part 2

The way human mind works is strange.

If you know something and it is too much for you to carry, tell someone.

But we don’t, because we think we can handle it, and we will crumble. We will destroy ourselves and those around us. Whatever hope we have, we will burn it, or lose it in the process. And we can’t retrace the steps, because then we’d have to live everything through again.

Pain wakes us up, but not in a way we want to. Pain makes us think mostly for ourselves. Pain begs for pity.

And fear shuts us down, unless it’s a critical situation which dictates whether you’ll live or die.

I am not in that kind of a situation, so I am shutting down. Everything.

I am shoved against the wall, and I hit my head. It was already hurting before. The book falls to the ground, open. I hear laughter, and I recognize it.

“Why are you wearing only black?” he asks. “You should embrace who you are!” he throws his hands in the air and walks backwards, so he can look at me. “No one is going to judge.” He winks. “Call me ‘no one’.”

I spend the next twenty minutes in the nurse’s office. My book is on her desk. I am holding a cold bag against the side of my head.

I would like to lean back, rest my head against the wall, but it will hurt, and it will remind me of what happened. The throbbing pain is already doing that. It comes in waves, and echoes, until I think it’s gone. It’s is silent and unpredictable. It knocks me off my feet. I don’t trust myself.

“You say you fell?” she asks when she returns. I don’t know where she went.

“Yes, I’m clumsy,” I reply. I don’t want to drag anyone into this. I will throw a punch if needed. And I will say his name and I will blame him, but not yet. I am not going to surrender to his childish ways.

“Clumsy?” she raises her eyebrow and looks at me.

“Yes, my feet failed me.”

“Okay. I believe you.”

She doesn’t.

“What’s my diagnosis?” I ask, bored. I want to go away. I want to sell the headache on a black market and never look back. But things don’t work that way, do they?

“You hit your head,” she shrugs. “It’s going to hurt for a while. Take the pills every four hours with water. Unless the headache has stopped.” She hands me my book. “Other than that, even though you might want to hear otherwise, you can go to class.”

“I did want to hear the other version,” I mumble and roll my eyes at myself. I am not going to get away from Lorcan. No matter what. No matter that I have just hit my head against the wall. I will still have to face him.

“Don’t we all want to get away?” she smiles. She’s young. Compared to the professors. “But think about how proud you will be after. That even though you were suffering, you made it through the day.” She stares at the ground. She seems sad. “The lies we tell ourselves.”