Post-it Note

Chapter 17

I'm sitting in Harry's apartment with a Versace dress laying on the bed next to me and for some reason I'm not happy. I'm numb. I feel like I shouldn't be here. For four years I have imagined in every way possible how I would meet Harry and how we would fall in love and get married. But let's be real... he will never love me. It's basic logic. He will never feel the same way I do. My brain is telling me to run because I'm going to get hurt but my heart is telling me to stay because one day Harry will love me and I will get my happy ending.

But what if there is someone else? What if he wakes up tomorrow and realizes he can do better? What if I'm not good enough for him? What if my heart gets broken by a man that makes my heart ache like an elephant is standing on my chest? I have only known the real Harry for a day and I'm in love with him. Is that even possible? To fall so deeply in love with someone just from spending a day with them?

I'm just scared that once I give my heart to Harry that he will break it. I'm scared that yet another man in my life will leave me and never come back. There is something real between Harry and I, it's so close I can feel it but I don't know if Harry feels it too.

I keep thinking in my head "us" and "we" but that doesn't exist. There is no "we". I have this fantasy in my head that at this very moment Harry is sitting in the other room thinking about me but it is just that, a fantasy.

Throughout the day I got these waves of excitement, about the future and what will happen, and then fear overrides and I don't know, I just feel empty. My conscience is supposed to make me feel good about myself and be happy that I'm with Harry, but it is a monster. Forcing me to overthink and overanalzye everything to the point where I can't be happy.

There is this guard up around my heart that doesn't allow me to love anyone, not even myself. The neglect I get from my mom every day and the abuse I receive from Jake created this wall and I'm not sure anything can knock it down. This wall is protecting my broken heart. The world says to follow my heart but if my heart over time has been shattered into tiny pieces, which piece do I follow?

My heart gets weak at the thought of Harry but I don't want to be weak. I have always been independent and I don't understand why he makes me so vulnerable. I feel like I need him in order to not collapse into a pile of despair. My life has been filled with ongoing let downs and Harry, in just one short day, made me think that maybe, just maybe, life isn't so bad.

I'm a walking broken heart and I'm scared that once Harry realizes that he won't want to be the one to mend me. I have always tried to make everyone around me happy because I don't want them to know what it feels like to be so broken that smiling everyday completely drains you.

I think I have already fallen for Harry but what if I haven't and when I do he isn't there to catch me? What is his arms already caught someone else? I don't want Harry to be a bystander of my tragic downfall. I want to be happy is that too much to ask for?

I'm don't want to forget who I am but I don't think I ever truly knew who I was. Society wants you to be perfect and the expectations we have to live to up are unobtainable. Be skinny. Be pretty. Be happy. How can someone be happy when everyone and everything is the world is black? We grow up comparing ourselves to others and we forget to look at ourselves. We learn to hate ourselves.

My mind is a tornado. Spinning around and around, picking up every bad word and thing in my life and rattling my brain with them. The past may be in the past but my memories will always be there. The thought of my dad leaving me on that rainy Sunday night and never coming home haunts me. The thought of walking in on my sister injecting herself to fulfill this high she so desperately needed haunts me. The thought of the silence at the dinner table, where my mother doesn't care about how my day was haunts me. Every little thing is stuck in my mind. Bad thoughts creep into my head and I used to fight them but now I can't. When I try my arms get tired and I give up. I just don't know how to feel.

I want to live my life and be with Harry but how can I live if my soul is gone. It has been gone for a while, the chills of emptiness have only now creeped into my body. I hate feeling this way. But I hate it even more having to pretend that I'm fine when I'm not.

I want to release everything bottled up inside of me and just feel a weight be lifted. I want to be able to feel a strong love but I don't think my heart can handle something like that. I just don't understand that it is possible to be so completely happy but feel so completely sad at the same time.

People say you can't love two people but you need to. You love the person who makes you feel alive and you love yourself because without you there is no love.