There i was sitting on the hospital bed holding my mother's trembling hand she was in deep pain barely opening her eyes since the lights were too bright in the room yet she managed to give me a small weak smile "cheer up bun mommy's okay"
She said voice hoarse and scratchy but i knew that wasn't the truth i knew that she wanted her pain and suffering to end yet she tried to stay strong for my sake
I was angry but who wouldn't be at the fact that their mother was dying and they couldn't do anything about it
Then i thought what was i going to do? Who was i going to stay with and how would my life play out "mama" i said barely a whisper not really knowing what to say
My heart was breaking making it hurt to speak i could barely breathe as well chest feeling as if it was about to cave in"smile baby p-please dont be sad" she frowned caressing my face with her dainty fingers they seemed as if they would break if she moved them too much
"I-I should've took care of you more, I should've got a job and take care of the house but instead i didn't t-this is all my fault" i cried as i laid onto her legs but it was the truth
I should've dropped out of school and tried to help her as much as i could even when i could tell she was smiling through the pain pushing herself too hard
"I was a horrible son" i said breathlessly crying harder than before
"jungkook" she said trying to sit sit up but I wouldn't let her "stop crying honey it wasn't your fault it was my fault for letting stress get the best of me when i knew i was sick y-you weren't a horrible son at all you were the best gift your father could ever give to me and i never regret the night i got to hold t-the little you in my arms" she said going into a coughing fit
"Mama d-dont push yourself" i was worried that she would stop breathing at any moment but she shushed me saying more
"I know im not going to make it we both do and im sorry that I couldn't keep fighting my battles as you see they are kicking my ass" she chuckled making me laugh as well i loved that she was in high spirits no matter what
"But just know that the one thing i loved most in this world is you no matter what dont ever forget that even when im gone" she smiled weakly hugging
She always kept a smile on her face even when she died in my arms
The sad thing about that was I didn't get to say i love you too
Days went by i had to clean out our house next our neighbors helped me throw a funeral for her and when i saw her lying there lifeless it all hit me that my mother was dead for real
There was no more thinking that she went on a trip to who knows where or that she's with dad and their happy but no the harsh reality was right there in front of me
I lost it dropping to my knees in agonizing pain crying and screaming out "M-mama! Mama please wake up" but she just wouldn't
Everyone tried to pull me away but I wouldn't let them slapping away their hands next thing you know i was thrown out of the funeral home by the security guards sitting on my knees on the cement pavement crying and crying like that would make everything better
But it didn't
I was hurt to no end i felt numb to the core and i hated that, she wouldn't want me feeling like this
But how could i smile when she wasn't here to tell me its alright bunny, m-mama's here
It really pained me to know i would never hear that again
As i started to gather myself together a man walked up to me I didn't look at his face because i knew i looked really pathetic "wow you look so much like her" the man said with what sounded like pain in his voice
Then i looked up studying his face trying to figure out how i knew him but nothing rang a bell
The man handed me a handkerchief giving me a sad smile "here you go, you look like you need it more than me"
I took it of course drying my face i then stood up confused as the man engulfed me in a big hug "you might not remember me because you were only three when i had to leave but its me kookie" he cried
"its your father"
Anger filled me where the fuck was he when my mother had to work three jobs to support us!
Where was he when i needed someone during parent teacher conferences and things
No where to be found and now he wants to show up after my mother dies
"I know you might hate me right now and i fucked up but im here to correct my mistakes"
"i-im here to take you home son" he made eye contact with me
I wanted to refuse but i had no where else to go
And thus is how my life began to spiral downwards