Teach Me To Be Gay (BoyxBoy)

Part Twenty

Seconds. It takes seconds for everything to change from being this numbing silence, Kade's shouts too quiet and everything around me drowning, to this deafening loudness. Everything has intensified tenfold, Kade's screams now actual screams. I cover my ears. Why is he shouting? I'm so confused. What the fuck is going on?

I look back down at my phone screen, tears suddenly blurring my vision. My hands begin to shake as I try and lift my phone, to look more closely, but I can't. So it lays there, and I attempt to throw it off the bed in a rage, but Kade stops me, even though my attempts would be futile. He takes the phone before my hand swipes over the area it laid a moment ago, looking at the screen quickly, as anger takes over his features, before he puts it down on the side and looks over at me again.

"Justin. Don't worry, it'll be okay. Please stop-" I can't take his words. I know, I know, he's trying to comfort me, but the last thing I want is for someone to tell me 'everything'll be okay' when it blatantly won't. At the same time, though, I really just want him to hold me and whisper to me that it'll be okay. My mind is split. Because even though I don't believe it'll be okay, maybe having him say it to me will make me believe it.

"Kade, don't." My words sound so weak.

Despite knowing that he wants to help me, the one thing I want to do right now, as I stare blankly at the air in front of me, is to block myself off from everyone. It's my natural reaction, to shut Kade out as he once again attempts to comfort me. Yet, as if realising his attempts are futile - probably seeing that I'm not listening - he lets his words gradually drown out to a whisper, and then the one thing I want most of all right now; silence.

A few minutes of silence later, and it seems as if he can't take it anymore. I can see the different emotions making their way through him as I move my head slightly to look at him, where he stands just beside the bed. I sit up and Kade immediately takes this as some sort of cue for his comfort.

"Justin, I-"

"Kade. I know that you want to help, but I just can't- I don't even know. Just not now." I immediately regret it as I see a look of pain cross over his features. Somehow, I said the wrong thing. I don't exactly know what's so wrong about not wanting to be comforted, but somehow it makes Kade upset and as he turns and leaves the room, all I wish for is the chance to go back in time by just two minutes and instead ask him to stay with me. I just want him to lay down with me and do nothing for a while.

Fuck it, I want him to lay down beside me and do nothing for a day, two days even. And then I want to be able to get back up feeling stronger and like maybe, just maybe, I can actually handle all this shit that's going on. But nothing I wish for will ever come true.

All the stupid fucking eleven-elevens, the shooting stars and the birthday candles, all of it's so fucking stupid. All my wishes have been fucking wasted because of the shit people have fed to me from a young age. All this shit about how you have to make a wish before you blow out a candle and it'll come true, and a fuck load of other stuff. It's so stupid. So stupid. And I wish I hadn't wasted all my wishes on those hours worth of eleven-elevens, or searching the sky for shooting stars, because none of those wishes will ever come true.

Although to be honest, there's only one wish I ever make nowadays. It's that Kade is happy. Even in the middle of the night, when I wake him up due to nightmares, and even after we have our fights, I just hope that he has a place to go where he can be happy. Because when he goes on his runs to let off steam after we get into an argument, I have no fucking clue where he's going, but I hope he goes somewhere where he's happy. I wish that he finds someone whilst he's out who can calm him down enough before he has to see me again. I wish that person could be me, but then again, I guess I'm kind of the reason we ever fight, and the reason he's mad at me right now. Because I told him I couldn't handle him right now, and I needed time alone. It caused him to leave, and now I just want to cry.

And so here I am again. God knows what time it is and I'm laying here, once again, with tears threatening to escape my eyes. And I feel so stupid. I feel fucking stupid for crying. But it feels like I have everything and nothing to cry about at the same time, and this thought only confuses me further to the point where I'm about to drown in my own tears, because I'm stupid and confused and I made a mistake that I can't exactly take back. I can't go running into Kade's room and jumping into his arms for him to hold me, because now he's probably fucking mad at me, and upset with me, and I doubt he wants to speak to me.

Yet all I want to do, more than anything else in the fucking world, is talk to him. And call me meladramatic, but it feels like a simple fight could lead to so much more. I feel like this is the start of something so much bigger. This isn't just knowing that someone out there knows your secret (and has proof of it), it's knowing that the person has managed to ruin something this amazing.

I pick my phone up from the bedside table where Kade left it, looking at the picture once again. It's a picture of Kade and I kissing in the rain. A good picture, I'll admit, but still. The person's managed to make the message anonymous, so I don't know who knows our secret, but I don't have any doubts that they're going to spill it to the world.

I also harldy doubt that Kade will care when they do, because he's just that type of person. He's the type who is ready to be openly gay and won't give a fuck what others think about it. But I'm not. I'm the type who cares too much. Even if ninety-nine percent of the people who find out are fine with it, just receiving one harsh comment would probably be enough to have me crying the night away with Kade attempting to comfort me. I guess words affect me way more than they should, but I just can't help it.

But I don't want to be like that. Who wants to lock themselves away from the world for a week because someone knows their secret? Definitely not me. And I know for a fact that Kade doesn't either. And so, instead of letting myself wilt away in my room, with the door locked for a week, as I ignore Kade and anyone else who cares at all, I decide I'm gonna do something about this.

I stand up and walk to Kade's room. To be honest, I don't expect him to be willing to just say everything's okay, after I effectively told him to fuck off. I expect him to shatter my heart once again and tell me to fuck off myself, but I still open the door, desite knowing that this is about the billionth time something like this has happened, and I still walk right into his room and over to him where he sits on the edge of the bed. I still take his chin between my thumb and index finger, lifting it till he looks at me. And I still say with absolute certainty, something I never thought I'd say.

"Things are gonna change."