i am slow to anger but i toe the line

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doood this song has been in my head all morning, the one part that gets me is right before he says dear alexander and it's all like vhfbxkhs, ya know that part?? so many people have been using this one and the one that alexander sings to washington for edits so much lately it's weird as hell.

i really need to find some videos to do :/ like video ideas, that's whack

oooooooh okay my dream made me so disappointed. basically thomas posted the new sanders asides episode and it was the sides getting stuck in like a video game/dreamworld/the weirdest acid trip ever. so basically they all got stuck and janus and remus were sharing one camera frame it was great but anywho it was this castle looking thing and almost everything was a black and red checkered pattern and it was supposed to be the red queen's castle. i didn't get much more bc my mom stopped it to stop me from watching but then my dad let me watch it on my phone. ;)

today has been frustrating and honestly tomorrow won't be much better. like yeah i'll be alone but like school's starting soon and i'm not mentally prepared. my parents are still sprinkling in comments about how i need to get back to school. since i confronted them yesterday they keep saying "where'd you get the idea that we were calling you stupid? we've never said that" blah blah blah and then immediately after they tell me i need school.

and yeah i know i've been milking this whole smart kid thing for years bc it was literally the only attention people gave me, it was the only reason people would compliment me and talk to me. but now that i don't wanna do that anymore, it comes off as me slacking or getting dumber and they keep pulling those annoying excuses "but you loved school. you love learning" no tf i don't, i mean yeah i love being at school bc of the good teachers and the nice students. especially in middle school, i was rolling with the faculty there and i had achieved a level of forced confidence (and forced down anxiety) that most people respected me to my face. but i don't like not understanding what seems to come easily to other people, i don't like spacing out all the time without even noticing, i don't like actively listening but not remembering any of it, and more importantly i don't like basically forgetting everything after i've been tested on it

anyways i think i'm gonna go to bed rn. seriously wtf is up with weekends that i always have mood swings based on how shitty i feel. okay it's like body dysmorphia or something idk but basically i'm so upset about how i look and my hair length and my body that i start getting hot flashes and i get upset for no reason and annoyed and then i get so upset to the point where i wanna cry and i get grossed out by like everything and boy oh boy guess what makes it worse? my parents are here all day cussing, burping, talking, laughing, mocking, literally every fucking thing that puts me in an even shittier mood and there's nothing i can do about it. so then my parents think i'm have a shitty personality bc they rarely ever see me when i'm in a good mood (mainly bc they're the ones that are ruining it in the first place)

whatever i'm gonna go to bed and hopefully this time the person i look up to won't totally hate me :))

love ya buh bye

8/2/20

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