you left me falling and landing inside my grave, i know that you want me dead

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dude, it's already august and i'm freaking out TIME IS GOING SLOW AND FAST AT THE SAME TIME WHAT-

okay so now that my hair is cut i feel sooooooo much better. like i'm happier, me comfortable, hair cuts make me soooooo happy :))

i feel really tired today bc i slept in a little later than i usually do bc my dream was pissing me off. all i remember was the cool part so i'll get to that later. all i remember about the part that was upsetting me was that i was at peter's with my friends and like some girl came in and stole something so basically i was chasing her throughout the restaurant bc i wanted it back. and i was mad at this girl so when my body kept trying to wake me up i basically shoved my face in the pillow and said "five more minutes, i need to beat her ass" so yeah that was fun

the cool part of my dream is even better though. basically i was at my old middle school and everyone was playing some zombie apocalypse game. basically if you're 'bit' you have to become a zombie, if you aren't a zombie then you just have to hide in places and stuff but the doors had something on them were you have to constantly shut them every five minutes bc they'd open back up for some reason. and i gathered these peeps (like 40 people) and we all hid in the computer lab. it was connected to a smaller lab and a library so there were doors and windows exposing us everywhere. then donald mf glover is my best friend for some reason and he's a zombie. while we're all chilling in the lab, already half asleep bc this was an overnight thing, some idiot forgot to close the doors and donald comes in and bites me and it's like playful banter where i just kinda get fake mad at him and he just laughs and leaves and i'm sitting there like "SHDBSKJS YOURE REALLY JUST GONNA BITE ME AND NOT THE FORTY OTHER PEOPLE IN HERE" and hoenstly when i realized that i wasn't friends with donald glover when i woke up, i was so upset. in my dream i knew that was weird but you know i get weird around people all the time.

man that was so freaking cool. not just the donald glover part but the zombie thing, i should play that some time. it could be like the paintball episodes on community where they all get heavily invested in role playing as whatever theme they're going for. like western or star wars, all that.

i'm in a crappy mood yet again :( this time it's bc my parents called me stupid again. okay so sometimes i act stupid just bc it's funny and other people like it. so when quarantine started and my family kept saying "you need to go back to school you're getting dumb" all that stuff it was funny and i didn't care. but after a while it was too much and i think that's what caused me to have that week long crisis where i wanted to drop out of my school and go to an easier one instead bc i felt like i wasn't nearly as smart as everyone else. i eventually got over it but it was really scary how willing i was to quit. so i started telling my parents i didn't like when they made those jokes and it would always end in argument and they'd somehow make it seem like they weren't calling me stupid and i was starting fights bc i like making them the villains or whatever. guess what? exactly that happened just now. they used the one thing they know pisses me off to my core.

okay this needs some explanation. i've learned everything i know, that isn't math and science, from movies and stuff. when i was younger, i noticed that in movies when they'd say "who are you?" (even though they know the identity of that person) or "the old you" or "what happened to you?" all that stuff basically meant that the person changed for the worse and it was a symbol of alienation and disownment to tell someone that. i've told my parents this many times that those phrases upset me and make me feel like i'm a terrible person. of course though, they barely remember anything i say, so they probably don't even know that.

so they told me "you're not as sharp as you used to be. the old you would've loved up a test and found the answers to check yourself by now" what the fuck is that? i've never liked taking tests unless i knew they'd directly help me. when i was in third grade, i got this book that was a fifth grade level book on all subjects bc i knew if i could master that stuff, i'd get at least some validation from my classmates and my teachers, they'd think i was smart and stuff. i can't do stuff like that anymore bc i need someone to explain the stuff now, the subjects are harder and since my dad's been out of school for 10 years and my mom's been out for like 25 years, they can't help me. i know i'm not as smart as everyone else, i know some subjects are easier than others, i know i'm a lazy shit and i know the only reason i've ever loved school was because the teachers would treat me nicely (because they have to) and when i made friends that gave me a distraction and made me happy. going to school means i escape all of the stupid comments, the slightly homophobic/racist/etc. comments, the anger that comes with not being able to connect with my family.

whatever i hate everything rn.

and guess what stupid memory decided to come back today? the first and only person i will ever attempt to "flirt" with. basically i was at this student showcase in eighth grade and for some reason my school's section was off in this tiny room away from the main room where most people were going so we weren't getting many visitors. across the room was this group of kids from another school, idk where though. and one of them was unbelievably cute. i was laughing at the jokes they made, and i overheard them say they were an editor (like the bomb as hell insta editors) and they had their headphones on and honestly i was gay panicking the entire time. i couldn't go anywhere bc my teachers wanted us to be by our projects and my mom and sister were there. i had barely come out to my family and i'm sure my teachers picked up on it when i came to school in full rainbow on the first day but it felt too soon to comfortably talk about it with them or in front of them. none of my lgbt or close friends were there so i was stuck. when my mom and sister started leaving i went up to the cute kid and basically all i said was "hey i heard you from over there you're pretty funny." AND IDK IF IT WAS JUST MY INNER GAY OR ANXIETY OR REALITY BUT I COULD TELL THEY WERE WEIRDED OUT SO I JUST DID AN OKAY BYE AND RAN TO MY MOM AND SISTER TO LEAVE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE it's kinda funny when you think about it but it's undeniably cringey when i think about it. it feels like a fever dream but now, every time i go back to that building, i stare down that room like something will happen. but yeah fun huh?

also have i mentioned that i cannot stand that i'm not respected?? when i show emotion?? istg i feel bad for my friends especially if they ever have to deal with my negative emotions. i write everything bc one it's a reminder and two it's easier to express everything in writing. whenever i have ever tried to express everything to my family they laugh at me, make jokes, they don't take me seriously and treat me like i'm a joke. (that's probably why logan's my fav side right?) so i believe bc of that, i'm kinda emotionally stunted. idk how to work through my emotions, idk how to express everything other than cry alone and smile to make everyone else happy. my parents always told me to be strong and never cry and toughen up and all this stuff. so when i'm feeling bad, idk how to talk about it, sometimes i end up smiling and laughing. if anyone i know personally reads this, lemme let you know something. if i'm ever laughing or smiling during something serious (especially if it involves me) just know that i'm getting more and more upset. it's like a knee jerk reaction, my body forces that but since i can't keep my reaction aligned with how i feel i get more frustrated and upset. that's also why i usually text my friends if i'm feeling bad, i don't like talking out loud.

why the fuck is it so cold here? istg they need to stop making it so cold. it's like 64, air conditioning is a curse, better people deserve it.

also why the fuck do i have to cuss when i'm mad? why does anyone?? it's so freaking annoying like shut the fuck up dude chill out goddamn

and last thing why is that little line that's in the ME! music video not in the actual song? it's so unsatisfying and makes me hate the stupid song

anyways glad you enjoyed me getting mad for 20 minutes :)) love ya buh bye!

8/1/20

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