A TALE OF TWO SHITTIES
17 july 200X
i was watching tv with the dogs. americas funniest something was on. the host tells a terribly unfunny joke and the audience claps. but later, unlike bob saget this guy has his moments. and one is now. i laugh. the audience laughs and applauds.
"i dont know if id be banging my flippers together for it, but it was funny." i say to the dogs, who dont care.
suddenly, im gripped by an impending bowel movement, no doubt brought on by the heroic amounts of beer i consumed the night prior. these days i shit about 30% blood after nights like that.
there is a problem though. the owner of this house i rent in the awful city of hollywood failed to pay the water bill, therefore i am forced to shit in the backyard.
my dear reader, please permit me to skip to the end of this intestinal ballet.
happy with my virtually painless success, i faithfully follow the the ever insightful mr iler's advice and wipe twice for good measure.
"its a cold harsh world when they can turn a mans water off. well, in america that is". i say to nobody.
the dog shat too, just feet from me. he regarded me with a look of uncertainty, as if thinking that he should shit in the toilet starting today.
a spanish lady walks by, peering thru the fence looking to see if the dogs are out. she enjoys coming up to the fence and making the dogs bark, therefore she can complain in a very loud voice that the dogs are too loud. she sees me shitting next to the dog in the backyard and stops for a moment looking as if i were going to hit her with a sack of screws. she then gasps in horror, the same horror i would experience if i saw that.
"hey, this is private property you know, cant i have some god damn privacy?!"
no response from her, just an indignant shuffle down the alley, her little rat of a dog leading the way, nose upturned as if just as disgusted. i can see her in my head, scurrying home to phone the proper authorities. and in this free country im sure there is a law somewhere that a man cant shit in his own lawn.
and if there is no law now, wait till a politician finds out about this! there will be a new law stapled to page 523 of 15,953 in h.r. such and such. you know, just behind the congressional rise in salary.
so, because this lady is temporarily a minority; it is a felony here in the united states of pussies to hurt her feelings. see, in america, it is horribly illegal and yes, immoral to discriminate against ANYONE.... except white people.
as i finish writing this, a police cruiser slowly passes my fence.
From AND OTHER TIRADES Copyright ©2006 Chris G Simmons