Air Conditioning

I'm fourteen and this isn't deep.

I'm fourteen
And this isn't deep.
I've come to terms with it
The fact that people don't really mind
When you have something
To get off your chest.

I've turned to strangers
Who only care out of obligation
And even someone
Who's being paid to do it.

I'm okay with that.

That being said,
This is going to get
Very
Very
Familiar.

There's a lot I want to say
To the boy I love.

I want to tell him every second
Of every day
That even if he doesn't think I do
I love him.

He doesn't have to
Make me feel bad
To get me to say it.

I hurt him.

I needed a break.

Why is it that
People always assume
"We should take a break,"
Means
"I'm breaking up with you"

It makes it so much harder
To try and explain.

Why do people have to make
"It's not you, it's me"
A joke
Just because it's accurate

Because it is.

I care about him endlessly.
I'd sneak out of my house
Every night
To just hold him in my arms
Or be held in his

To feel his fingers
run through my hair
And delicately touch my face.

To see the edges
Of his eyes
Crinkle up
When he smiles
Or laughs.

I'd rip apart the trust
My family has for me
And spend a year
stitching it back together.

I know it would take that long
Because it's been two months
Since they figured out we met at night
And did something neither of us regret
And they still don't have
A smidge of trust for me.

Not anymore.

And I know
They wouldn't bother
To listen
If I told them
He's one of the only people
That makes me smile
Just from being in the same building
As me.

They wouldn't even listen
Subconsciously
And that
Is a feat
I've never seen someone achieve.

I gave him the link
To one of my books
In hopes that
Maybe
He'd find this one.

Maybe he'd get to hear me say
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry
For the fact
That I let us both
Rush into things blind
Together.

I'm sorry
That I didn't notice
That every day you chose
To ignore me
Was another day
Of wasting away.

I'm sorry
That we're both sorry
For the same things
But neither of us
Can accept
That the other
Forgives them
Because we just don't
Forgive
Ourselves.

I'm sorry
That I don't regret
A single thing we did together

Because every moment
Spent with you
Is an eternity of happiness
Compressed
Into a small
Gummy vitamin.

I'm sorry
that we made each other so happy
That we were blind to what
Could happen.

To what
We could loose.

To the fact
That we could
And would
Loose one another.

I'm sorry
That our families
Are trying desperately
To tear us apart

And that we
So desperately
Keep hanging on.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you forgive me.

I'm sorry that I forgive you.

Because I know that both of us believe we don't deserve it.