Do you ever have those feelings in the pit of your stomach? The kind of feeling where your stomach is in knots, and then your heart starts to accelerate? It feels like something bad is about to occur, but you have yet to know what’s happening.
That’s how I felt on the walk home from work, my footsteps were heavy against the pavement, my heart was in my stomach, and my stomach was in frenzy. I walked into my apartment to see Harry sitting on a couch, but as I closed the door he stood up. I looked around, the apartment looking substantially emptier.
“What is this? Are you redecorating or something?” I laughed. But the look on his face wasn’t happy; it was empty, it was lifeless, it was scared. And suddenly, it clicked. I searched his eyes to see if he was serious or joking. “Wait,” I said, taking a closer look at things, noticing how only his stuff was missing. “Are you,” I searched his face for an answer, “Leaving?”
He didn’t say a word; rather he walked up to me and held me tight as if he was afraid to see the look on my face. “I just—I can’t do this anymore,”
I kept my arms at my side, in shock, “Just like that?”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
I moved my arms up his body, stopping at his waist, and pressed my face into his arm. “Please don’t leave me,” I whispered into his arm. “People always leave.”
He kissed the top of my head, his lips pressed hard onto my skull. “You’re better off without me.”
“You don’t know that,” I bit the inside of my lip. “You don’t know how I feel.”
“I have to go.” He loosened the grip on me, and backed away slowly. I stood there and watched him stare me down; desperate to see what I was thinking.
“Don’t leave,” my voice cracking, “Please.”
He shook his head down towards the ground and walked towards the door. I followed behind him, keeping myself in his shadows. He didn’t say anything, just kept his head down low. I sped up my walking to be side by side with him, and reached for his hand instinctively, and he held on loosely.
Our bodies making contact, yet there was an underlying amount of distance between us. When we made it outside, he grabbed the keys from his pocket and unlocked his car; light flooding the interior of the car and his headlights shone down the street.
He faced me and hugged me tightly, his face hiding in the curve of my neck, “I don’t know how to say goodbye to you.”
“Then don’t let go of me.” I stayed in his arms for a while until I felt his hands move from my waist. I backed up slowly, not caring about the tears down my face. “Please,” I begged, “Don’t go. I’m sorry for whatever I did, just please don’t leave.”
“You didn’t do anything,” he said quietly, his eyes focused on the sidewalk.
“Whatever this is, we can work it out.”
“No…we can’t work it out.” His eyebrows moved inward and he pursed his lips together and swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. He shook his head and backed up slowly. He opened up the door, “Goodbye.”
I stood stoic in my spot, my arms crossed over my chest, protecting the one thing he promised he’d never break: my heart. “Stay,” croaked out, my voice weak.
He got in the car and ran his hands through his hair, “I can’t.”
He shut the door and put his head down on the steering wheel for a few seconds. He sat his head back up and looked at me, broken and blindsided on the sidewalk. He closed his eyes and then opened them back up and turned the steering wheel to enter traffic. He looked at me one last time, and I bit down hard on my lip, my chest expanding with every short, exasperated breath I took.
I walked towards the end of the sidewalk and watched the car drive away, the red taillight becoming increasingly difficult to see. “Please stay,” I whispered into the air.
I took a deep breath and returned to the apartment, overwhelmed with the sudden loneliness. I walked into the bedroom, taking off my shoes and jeans and crawled into bed. When I get overwhelmed, I sleep. Within minutes of getting in bed, I was fast asleep.
When my dream stirred me from my sleep, I ran my hand across the sheets, fully expecting to find his body there. Instead my hands were twisted in the cold sheets, where his body should’ve been. I moved my body onto his side of the bed and cocooned myself in the sheets. This was the new normal; this was my life without
