i need a therapist, and a perc too

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someone did a jeff winger edit to this song and they included a lot of clips from the first chang dynasty (you know the season 3 episode :)) where he was dressed as an edgy magician and omigosh i forgot how beautiful he was in that episode

also I FINISHED COMMUNITY AND I SOBBED SHDBSKJS i had an idea for the finale (that obviously didn't happen but) i imagined that it would show abed (maybe a few months later) and he would be waiting by a dock (in la obviously) and it would just show a ship pulling in and abed would smile his precious smile and you would just him do the handshake he shared with troy with someone not shown, troy finally returned. obviously i figured they wouldn't show his face or have him talk bc donald glover left for good but having the implication that troy and abed reunited would've made my heart whole. the zoom call was enough troy and abed content to make me happy for years. throughout the last couple of seasons (which were not as great without shirley troy and pierce) i kept forgetting that they were in the early 2010's so i was shocked when they'd make references to guardian's of the galaxy and all that stuff. i was like "how do they know about that, it hasn't happened yet" but yes it did :)

okay i'm really upset rn bc of stuff, it's a lot so buckle up:

earlier in 2019, so like last year, i overheard one of my friends saying the only parts of lgbt are the ones in the acronym, the one i just put not the long one. and that kinda bothered me bc there's pan, ace, nonbinary, etc. but he genuinely believed all that other stuff was propaganda. he never really brought it up again so i never really bothered with it, and he's one of my closest friends so i didn't want to lose him over something small. then a few months ago another friend of mine replied to my story on pansexual (or something, it was one of the days in pride month) and he said that pansexuality is like propaganda and it's the same as bisexual and it's biphobic and all this stuff so i tried to explain to him why that was wrong as calmly as possible, he seemed to accept it so i shrugged it off. he also sent me this post of why he said all those things, like where he got it from, and i was disgusted. but i was like whatever i don't care, the account was small anyways.

then a few days ago that same friend posted another thing from that same account that was again attacking pansexuals. i was in a very bad mood that day so i idiotically commented on it and i replied to my friend's story to tell him again why it was wrong, he apologized and took it down but i felt really bad about it, i felt like i had hurt him. and even though i felt like what i did was right, i still felt like i could've been nicer about it or whatever. then yesterday i got a few replies to my comment, i replied back to one and today another two came in so i just ignored them. then i looked at my friend's story and he reposted ANOTHER anti pan post. now i was getting frustrated, especially since when i ranted to my parents about how stupid it was, they told me just to take the high road (and i've always been known to not take the high road bc i have a temper so it was a little frustrating to hear them say that) so i read through the stuff again and at this point everything was boiling over.

in the post, every argument i had was shut down. even the one of "if it's not hurting anyone what do you care?" and honestly i could still go after that one bc all they put was a whiny little "bc it hurts my bisexual feelings wahh" but it just toppled over and i was getting heated and then my friend texted me telling me how sweet i am and i guess that kinda helped me calm down so i was sobbing bc she was basically showering me in compliments and i was going from angry and frustrated to hurt and sad. so i literally sat here crying while my dogs stare at me as i talk to myself. am i wrong for identifying as pan? i'm really not comfortable with the bi label, and what these people are doing is gate keeping and essentially what so many other people have done to bisexuals and gays for years but they don't seem to care. all they're focused on is telling me that i'm close minded and ignorant for wanting people to be comfortable in they way they want. and when i started sting it out loud i cried harder bc i felt like a karen, you know how when they catch them crying and complaining on camera, they sound so ridiculous? yeah, i started getting scared that i was the same way. i just don't know what to do, my friend is someone i care about very much, when he first came to my middle school, i immediately treated him like my own kid, even when i kinda hung out with him again in like february, it was like nothing changed between then and now. i don't have the heart to be rude to him, to constantly be telling him off bc i feel guilty.

that really upset me and my other friend (the one who's an absolute sweetheart and actually helped me without knowing it) did make it so much better, i really do love her :)) oh and another thing she did to make me feel better without knowing it was make a badass edit of the reapers fight scene in black butler. it was from one of the movies or something, all i saw was the first season so i really don't know anything else but it was so freaking awesome and grell is beautiful. fun fact, her fav black butler character is sebastian but mine is grell :)) great duo

i'm trying to finish avatar (i'm on the second to last episode of season two) but everyone is really upsetting me. aang was upsetting for a bit and the whole story with appa was upsetting bc i couldn't stand how appa was lost and couldn't rest for one second and the only good thing going for me rn is seeing iroh and zuko finally content is very very nice :))

OH and earlier today i realized who my first gay crush (not a fictional character) was. there was this girl who hung out my sister all summer long after they were in sixth grade, we all swam like every day, my grandma would take us and stuff. and a few times, i somehow ended up in the 12ft deep end (keep in mind since i was 8 i was probably like 3'5''/4'?? i was a tall kid but really small in comparison to the pool) and every time she swam as fast as she could to get me. i remember her carrying me and swimming back to the shallow end and i hung on and ahh crap i'm falling again. okay basically you know those moments in movies when the lifeguard saves the kid and the kid is staring at the guard with like lovey dovey eyes but the guard is like "this kid is adorable they're like five" that's exactly how it happened. and she always wore a bright blue biki i remember that. and she was the only person to get the closest to teaching me how to swim (the only other person was my friend in my sixth grade summer. ironically we spent all summer swimming just like my sister and her friend except by the time i got there my grandma was dead so my friend's mom took us :)) bro she was beautiful and i fell in love with her but then i found out my sister spent so much time with her, she was going to a different middle school so that was the last time i ever saw her, that summer was magical *chefs kiss*

that's it ig, community is the best, danny pudi is precious and deserves to be protected at all costs (like have you seen his little smile and his laugh, PRECIOUS) all of my close close close friends are freaking adorable like i just wanna get back to school to show them how cute they all are, and i love you buh bye!!

7/24/20

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