my dream literally broke my heart i'm gonna cry bro. okay so basically my family and i were in florida for some reason (last time we went there, i was anxious the whole time like "oMigOSh wHAt iF i mEet tHoMAS saNDeRS?") and my parents drove me to some mall and i was like "lmao why we be here?" and they point around some black suv in the parking lot so i walk around it and THOMAS MOTHERLOVING SANDERS WAS WALKING TOWARDS ME (you know how in reality shows there's like two cameramen following around? it was like that but i tried to ignore them) and ya know how troy reacted when he met levar burton on community? it was like that i just covered my face and repeated "oh my god" over and over again bc i didn't know how to react. and then we start hanging out at the mall and i was trying so hard not to be weird i just kept telling him how much he meant to me, how much he's influenced me, i told him how his vines inspired me, how his youtube vids are a HUGE inspiration, ALL THIS STUFF and he ended up getting bored with me (not that he was super friendly in the first place) and he HATED me. he was annoyed, and bored, and he left and i literally wanted to cry like THOMAS SANDERS THE BEAUTIFUL SWEETHEART HATED ME and we all know that lately i've been considering the fact that i'm a very boring person. so to have that dream where one of the people i want to impress the most hates me and finds me boring hurts soooooo freaking bad to the point where i do cry.
and yeah my moms still being very childish but whatevs
i had a huge mental breakdown last night. i have this journal that i only ever write in if its REALLY bad, the last time i wrote in it was august 14, 2019. that's how longs it's been since i've been in that bad of a place. but lately with the whole coronavirus thing and not passing my test and considering the fact that maybe it's good that i'm not as close with certain people anymore and my mom making me feel like a bad person for not laughing at a stupid lesbian joke it's all just been piling up and it's been falling in increments. last night was pretty big, i was almost sobbing bc it's the same thing every time.
after i finished writing, i read a bit from my last entry and holy crap it's the same thing. i put how much i wish my parents weren't so childish, how i wish they were less like the family on shameless. it seems like everyone has normal parents but no, me, the kid who probably needs the most emotional reassurance and compassion, gets stuck with the people who use "suck it up" as their way of life. i'm tired of sucking it up, why can't i, for once, fight for what i feel is right? something that is better than now? but no, now i'm sensitive and am too serious. that's why my mom likes my sister more, why she prefers to spend hours on her phone with her sisters or just scrolling through Facebook rather than spend time with me. this is literally the last time she'll get to enjoy me hanging out with her bc soon i'll be slammed with school and over the summer is more school (especially since our school is pretty much year round) and even during breaks i'll hopefully get a job so this quarantine is a majority of the time she has left with me before i move far away from here (hopefully to virginia but i haven't even picked out a career or college yet so idk)
anyways, it's not like they can change now, not anymore. i've become so used to how under affectionate they are that the second they hug me or even show me affection or love or compassion, i feel weirded out. not so much when other people do it, mainly just them.
anyways who cares.
OH i didn't know kathryn still lived with ethan, i thought she moved out a long time ago and i was so glad to see her on that one unus annus video, made me happy. speaking of which, i only have 71 videos left until i'm all caught up on unus annus. i was watching everyday when it started but i eventually stopped, then started again around christmas, then stopped again, and then i started again once quarantine started, and i stopped for a bit for some reason, and i started one last time a few days ago.
i should start working out rn but honestly my mom's really upsetting me. i think i'm gonna give her her space for now, bc i just came to the realization that she was diagnosed with depression a few years ago but my family treats it like its taboo for some reason and she barely ever took her meds and HOLY CRAP REALIZATION maybe that's why my family never wants me to openly express my emotions while simultaneously telling me "but it's cute how you get so attached to stuff that you cry" BECUSE THEY TREAT MENTAL HEALTH LIKE IT CANT BE TALKED ABOUT i men it makes sense. plus my mom is probably just going through a depressive episode so i'll leave it for now but this explains so much. okay i'm definitely getting therapy once i leave and have enough money bc this is ridiculous. even if i don't have a disorder or whatever it's still not healthy to keep this bottled up. that's why i write here and many other places to vent, it's healthy.
haha can you believe i tricked myself into being gay and healthy? in seventh grade i created a book like this and i was like "ugh someone told me to write in this and like really? are you stupid? whatever, i know this won't work bc they're stupid but i HAVE to write here so i will" and like i tried to make it seem like the other person who can't be named was unprofessional and stupid and lazy or whatever when really i kinda used reverse psychology on myself to use a useful therapy tactic. and then in that book i put that the same person told me i was gay bc i had a dream where i was practically making out with this girl and i kept writing "do you know how stupid you are? like nothing against gay people but i'm not gay, the dream meant something else idiot" and then like two chapters later i put "okay so i might be gay" like wow i just reverse psychology'd myself without even realizing it.
i seriously cannot wait for the sanders asides episode, ik my one shots book has drafts ready to be posted all the way to november so i'm hoping thomas doesn't post the new video until like december or something bc then i'm gonna have a whole bunch of parts without using whatever new plot line or new information this one will introduce.
that's it ig, love ya, buh bye!
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Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The YearNon-Fiction
yay 2nd round!! :)) ~~~~ Are we growing up or just going down? It's just a matter of time until we're all found out, take our tears, put 'em on ice cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light. We're the therapists pumping through you...