10 Things I Hate About You. (Kim Taehyung - BTS).

this is just a personal issue - apologies for the rant

WILL PROBABLY DELETE THIS - I JUST REALLY NEED TO VENT.

sorry lovelies, this is literally just going to be me ranting for a few paragraphs so please feel free to ignore.

this is the only platform that I can speak on without my family being able to see or read it, and I just really need to get these issues off of my chest.

this is my safe space, and I don't want to take that away from any of you - so please ignore this if you need or want to.

I really try to create a wholesome and friendly atmosphere in my stories and on my page, but things have gotten too much and this is my only outlet.

...if you are still here and wish to read on, I will state trigger warning ahead.

TW// suicide, control, depression, abuse, eating disorder.

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I just want to be happy.

for a single, split second in my life - I want to be happy.

i want to be able to smile in the morning, I want to be able to laugh along with my friends. I want to be able to express, feel, and have true genuine happiness.

but alas, this is not possible.

i don't ask for much - really, I do not ask for much.

i simply ask for space in my own room.

a few moments of peace a day.

a safe space to have time alone with myself, and the never-ending rampage of thoughts that goes on in my mind. day in and day out.

I want time alone to focus on my masters thesis - I want to pass and actually have a future where I can get away from the control and abhorrent rules that dictate every second, every action of my life.

i am 23 years old.

twenty fucking three

and I still do not have my own freedom.

...i used to, I used to when I was at uni, when I was allowed to do whatever I wanted, live my own lifestyle and yeah, it wasn't the most healthy and yeah I really shouldn't be allowed to live by myself until my health is more stable and I'm not in the danger zone for another heart attack, but Jesus fuck, I just want to be left alone.

living with constant thoughts about death, and how dying a year ago from that goddamn heart attack would have been easier. it would have at least been more peaceful.

this house is like a warzone, where even the slightest change in tone sets off a variety of explosions - nothing can be said in jest without a thousand earthquakes following.

how can you threaten me by saying that I won't be allowed food - you KNOW I suffered for 8 years with an ED. food is a horrible relationship for me and trying to use that against me to get what you want - what is wrong with you???

 you done me a favour, I never asked you to, I never forced you too. shit doesn't always have to be tit for tat, sometimes doing something nice is just the nice thing to do - it doesn't mean that you have to be repaid.

I really am not asking for fucking anything, I just want time alone to focus on my university coursework. my thesis is due in a months time, how can I be expected to fucking babysit every day when this shit is KILLING ME.

do you know what it feels like to live in hell within your own mind??? how exhausting it is to fight away the thoughts of just jumping off a bridge or taking one too many pills??? i have no energy left. I have no will to push through another day, and yet I do.

I do everyday.

8 years.

that's how many years I've been suicidal for - and yes, I've had bumps where attempts were made but I somehow always survived, and I honestly hate myself for it.

sometimes it would just be easier to be dead.

and I don't mean that in a sardonic way.

I mean, sometimes, I truly wish I were dead.

depression has completely changed everything about who I am, I no longer feel enjoyment or pleasure, I no longer want to wake up in the morning. I don't recognise my own eyes when I look in the mirror - I am living in a strangers body, somehow just scrapping through every passing day.

but you don't care.

you just want me to portray this picture of perfection.

that my feelings don't matter. that no matter how dangerous and serious my physical and mental health is - I can't talk about it because then people will see the cracks.

just fucking listen for once.

listen before it's too late.

because I guarantee you, if this is how things are going to continue~

one day

and one day soon

it will be too late.