we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

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okay so i've mentioned time and time again that i'm an emotional shit and my parents have a hard time understanding gender (which is completely understandable bc i know how confusing it sounds) so this shouldn't come as a surprise. i wanted to test the waters and try to explain to my parents what genderfluid and bigender is. (not that i am i just wanted to see how they understood the nonbinary spectrum) and they immediately started making jokes and laughing. it's just upsetting bc if they can't take me seriously when i'm trying to explain this tuff (and it's happened on many an occasion) how am i supposed to come out to them? i doubt they'll even whatever this is upsetting me i'd rather not talk or think about it

oh and when someone tells you they don't want to talk about something, you're supposed to respect that right? that's what i thought, i thought if they don't want to talk about it, don't talk about it. apparently to my parents that means ask more questions and talk about it.

idk i'm just in a very bad mood today i'm physically uncomfortable, i'm hungry but my stomach hurts, i had a dream where the teacher i dislike the most was forcing me to run, the whole gender thing, test scores, i'm just in a very bad mood and i don't want to talk about it i just want to lay under the covers and pass by this day or restart it or something bc this day freaking sucks and i just really kinda hate everything rn which i haven't felt in a long time

i just wish i wasn't so emotional, i wish i had parents who didn't have the emotional maturity of a 14 year old, and do i even do a good job as a friend? i try to be available, i try to make sure my friends are as happy or content as possible when i'm around them, i try to listen, i try to be funny and caring but is it enough? honestly i just feel like bc certain stuff is bringing me down that every other insecurity of mine is tumbling down as well. and it's so freaking stupid bc i thought i was being a good friend but every other time in the past it's never been enough, it's like i've always been a background character in everyone else's story, including my own. why can't i be like a secondary character? like michael mell, or sokka, or whatever? why do i have to be an extra?

why does it always feel like i'm not enough? i'm not funny enough, i'm not smart emough, i'm not nice enough. so then i get off the ground and i try again, i try to be funny and nice and i work harder to be smart and i try to be charismatic so people can't see past the fact that i'm not an interesting person. idk again i'm a very emotional person, i cried on community when the reason abed was perceiving everything in stop motion and connecting things to movies was bc his mom had a new family and ditched him.

anyways i had a small mental breakdown or whatever but now that that's over and done with let's move on to not focusing on why i'm upset

i cannot wait for the next sanders asides episode bc thomas announced that they finalized the script but how will they film it? is joan gonna have to facetime thomas so they can direct? is it just gonna be about the characters that don't need makeup bc talyn does the makeup but they're social distancing bc their immune system isn't so great? I NEED ANSWERS but honestly i'm so proud of thomas for taking that break, quil taking over his account was the best and seeing his video of his road trip was so calming and adorable i wish i could take a trip like that.

laura dreyfuss is a goddess, on glee she's freaking beautiful and hilarious, on the politician she's freaking beautiful and amazing and smart like thank you, and on dear evan hansen she's freaking beautiful and her voice is like a combination of fergie and jesus.

i love bill hader and i totally forgot that he voiced flint on cloudy with a chance of meatballs. honestly i didn't even know how iconic the cast of that movie is. you have bill hader, anna faris, andy samberg, james caan, bruce campbell, mr. t, neil patrick harris, neil flynn (even though it's a small role), and apparently jeremy shada and ariel winter which they are both way too iconic to be background voices. like that movie will never die in my heart.

did i mention that i saw daphne & velma a few weeks ago? the idea was really cool but the way they executed it was terrible. it could also be a great idea for a lesbian movie soooooo idk man it was cool

that's it ig, love ya, buh bye!

7/17/20

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