5. I'm not giving up on you

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A/N: First of all: Happy New Year! Hope you all had a great 2014 and that 2015 is going to be even better. So, I hope you like this part of my fanfiction. :)



As soon as I entered my house and ran upstairs, avoiding a conversation with my parents and them seeing the sores on my body, I just threw myself on my bed, wanting to just disappear from this world. That car ride was so embarrassing. Not only because my teacher knew that I was gay, but also that I fell for him even more. I couldn’t help it. It was pathetic, I knew that, but I did it, no matter how weird it was. Not that I could change it anyway.  

When we were in his car and just talked about our lives, he wasn’t like my maths teacher. It was like he was a friend of mine. He was so honest about everything, like he had a on and off switch between being my teacher and being my friend. Why was he my teacher? Wait, no, why do I have to fall for my teacher? That’s the real question. I could have fallen for anyone, but I’m in love with my teacher. It couldn’t be more embarrassing.

I sighed when I thought about him. It was hopeless that I liked my teacher. And pathetic. But I still couldn’t change a thing. Was it even hopeless? He cared for me. He helped me pass maths, helped me with the bullying… he cared too much to just think that it’s hopeless. Or maybe I was just so naïve that I think he likes me, too, no matter what he is doing. But if it was hopeless or not, I needed to get him out of my head. Right. Now.

On the next day, when it was time for another tutoring session, I just couldn’t force myself to concentrate on the tasks Mr. Lambert gave me. I was distracted by everything he did. Just his breath on my skin made me want him lying on top of me. Maybe I could get an A in Maths on blowing him?

What? What the actual fuck, Sauli? Why couldn’t I just stop?

I stared on all the numbers and letters in front of me and rolled my eyes. The silence was killing me.

“I can’t do it.” I said and looked up.

“What do you mean? You already made progress. Let me show you again…” Mr. Lambert said and took a pencil, ready to show me how it’s done but I shook my head.

“No, don’t waste your time anymore. I’m done. I can’t do it.”

“Mr. Koskinen-“ He started, but I cut him off.

“No! Don’t even try it!” I yelled, getting off of my seat.

“What is this behavior now?”

“It was a stupid idea to even try it. Thanks for your time but I’m done.” I said without thinking about it, wanting to leave the room.

“Stop.” Mr. Lambert said and grabbed my wrist. “Why are you leaving? I said that you already made progress, which you really did. And today is just our second lesson and you already want to quit it? That’s childish and not the right behavior of a senior in high school. You shouldn’t just quit like that.” He said with a sad expression.

“It’s embarrassing to always fail in front of you. And it’s childish to think I could actually improve my maths skills. It’s not going to happen.” I mumbled. “I don’t want you to waste your time.”

“But I want to help you. Nothing is embarrassing, Mr. Koskinen.” He said, letting go of my wrist. “And now, sit down please. You haven’t finished yet.” Mr. Lambert said down again.

“No, sorry.” I said, leaving the room immediately, avoiding him to stop me again.

My behavior was so stupid and I knew it. But I couldn’t stay in there any longer. My brain was like a sieve when it comes to mathematics. I hear all the information, but nothing stays in my head. And letting Mr. Lambert help me was such a stupid idea and I couldn’t believe that I actually gave it a try. Letting my biggest distraction help me with my biggest problem, why was I so blind? I should have known that it couldn’t work out!

How could I survive maths later?

When it was actually time for that, I sat in my seat and stared at the clock, until the bell was ringing and Mr. Lambert entered the room. All I could do the entire lesson was staring at him while he worked with all the other students. Suddenly, I heard someone laughing behind me, so I turned around.

“You aren’t ashamed, are you?” A boy named Max asked and I frowned. “Don’t act like you wouldn’t know what I mean. Don’t make your gayness so obvious. It’s gross and I bet Mr. Lambert thinks that, too.” He said. Fuck, he noticed that I’ve been staring at Mr. Lambert the entire lesson. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck my life.

“No talking.” Mr. Lambert told us.

“How do you feel about a faggot loving you?” Max chuckled, indicating me.

“What do you mean?” Mr. Lambert asked and I sank into my seat.

“Sauli Faggot Koskinen has been staring at you the whole time.” Max said and everyone started laughing and all I could hear was people whispering “Faggot”, “Gross”, “Ridiculous” and “Poor Mr. Lambert”.

“Stop saying that!” Mr. Lambert exhorted. “How old are you, huh? That is not a behavior of a senior in high school. And everyone else, stop laughing right now!” He grumbled. “You all seem very interested in his life.”

“Like I was interested in a faggot’s life.” Someone yelled and laughed.

“Then stop it! I don’t want to hear anything like that ever again or else…” Mr. Lambert shouted with an angry voice.

Everyone in this class went quiet after how Mr. Lambert had reacted. I was surprised, too. He seemed like he really wanted to punch Max in his face.

He was so hot when he was mad, ugh, fuck him. I had a crush on my maths teacher, what now?


When the lesson was over I waited until everyone left the room and I could walk towards the teacher’s desk without hearing any stupid slurs again.

“Thanks for what you’ve said.” I mumbled, looking down at Mr. Lambert who sat on his chair.

“No problem.” He answered. “Don’t listen to them, they just want to see you angry by saying all this crap.” He said and rolled his eyes. I just nodded, avoiding to say anything, because actually Max was right. I was staring at him the whole time and yes, I had a crush on him. Fuck everything.

I smiled at him, when I was on my way out of the classroom. “See you in our next tutoring session.” He winked. “I’m not giving up on you yet, even though you did.”

A/N: Tell me what you think? :)

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