in a world, where you could just lie to me and i'd be okay, we'll be okay

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i legit forgot how much i loved santana and naya rivera. i was rewatching the episodes in season 6 that were leading up to the brittana wedding (bc, lets be honest, we stopped getting as much screen time of santana after rachel threw her hissy fit about the funny girl understudy thing) and omigosh i realized that santana was the first poc lgbt character i had seen. at least one that wasn't meant for comedy and built by stereotypes. the brittana wedding was the first lgbt wedding i had seen on screen. santana also may have made me question my sexuality (and thus began the four year struggle of "am i?? am i not??") naya played such a big part of my life and i'm so sad that she's gone.

speaking of glee, uhhhh ryan murphy what were you thinking? glee got weird after season 3 but it got terrible after season 4 (a lil bit of season 5 was okay but still) season six has its moments like every other season but it just plain sucks. really? sue's a klaine shipper? beiste is trans but somehow fully transitions within 4 or 5 months? brittney's dad is stephen hawking? if you've never followed glee religiously to the point of rewatching it over and over (or just watching it in general) consider yourself lucky bc it is all a raging dumpster fire. the only things that are keeping me watching are sue's constant quips that point out ridiculous things in the show, the brittana/klaine wedding, and the finale where they wrap everything up. since i already got through the wedding, all that's left is the finale.

omigosh my dream was freaking cool and scary at the same time. so basically it was kinda like danganronpa mixed with the purge, mixed with battle royale, mixed with final destination (and a lil bit of the ring) so it was like all of my favorite things okay so anyways

basically it was prom and for the school i went to in my dream, it was tradition (and kinda mandatory) that we kill someone on that night. i think killing someone was like the entry fee and killing more than one person enters you to be prom king or queen (i think the more people you kill the more chance you have at winning) and the way most people did it was by throwing parties the night of. so i went to one and i killed 10 people, which made me feel terrible later in the dream and as soon as i woke up, but i didn't care in my dream it was like whatever. then some other guy killed a bunch of people and yadda yadda yadda. BUT THEN karma was trying to get back at us for doing that so a few days later we were supposed to be in this deadly mass crash on the freeway (yes essentially final destination, see what did i tell you?) bUT wE diDNT. so then a few days after that we knew we were supposed to die (yes like the ring, we had a timer for when we were supposed to die) so we stayed up all night TERRIFIED to go to sleep bc we knew if we slept that we might die bc that's what's supposed to happen. we ended up falling asleep tho and we were supposed to die. bUT wE diDNT. and both of us met up in school and we were basically cheering that we didn't die

freaking best dream ever. the past few days have been boring to the point where i dreamt my mom and i dyed my hair bright pink. it was just me sitting there the whole time, so boring.

level of concern is honestly one of the best quarantine songs ever, it's so beautiful. also going spaceward released the musical theatre song he created for hank green's book and honestly it's great. if you wanna check it out, it's called remarkable, it's on youtube, honestly amazing.

and i feel like hairspray really does have a strong connection with me. like we all know that spirited away is what got me interested in art and anime, coraline is the reason i got interested in stop motion and film making (and voice acting and script writing) but hairspray is responsible for my love of musicals and dancing and that movie gave me courage through the years about who i am. amazing, flawless, also nikki blonski coming out in her bio by altering the beautiful song "mama i'm a big girl now" to "mama i'm a gay girl now" is iconic and i live for it

i'm gonna bring this up again bc it really kinda hurts me how long i have been struggling with gender identity. i'm still not completely sure about it but at least i have a better idea now. anyways what i was gonna say is that i just remembered that ever since like sixth grade, i stopped putting female on those gender things and started putting other. it's weird bc at that time i still identified as female, at that time i didn't even know nonbinary was a thing, as the years went on i kept playing with the idea of they/them pronouns but i still kept she/her (occasionally even he/him) somewhere in there. and it's just really sad that it's been four years since i started getting really insecure and defensive and stuff. that usually happens, when i sense something about me is changing and i can't tell if i like it or not yet i start getting really irritable and sometimes i push people away (even though i really shouldn't)

anywho i don't think there's much of anything else. oh, i got really deep and personal with myself last night. i started thinking about kids (bc my mom is obsessed and always telling me to have kids and since i always tell her they won't be mine biologically she's like "fine then at least adopt") and i was thinking about whether or not i even want them. obviously i can't have a definitive answer rn maybe in 10 to 15 more years. but i was like "let's pretend i did get kids, then what? how would i raise them? how would i treat them? how would i expect them to treat me?" so then i started panicking and freaking out. i was like "omigosh i'm such a bad parent. i don't want to yell at them and stuff so i have to find a peaceful way to raise them. but then they'll grow up entitled and thinking i'm a pushover that doesn't deserve respect. so i have to think of a way to not make them feel like they need to sneak around me and stuff, i want them to know that i am respecting them so they need to respect me, that they can come to me with any problem (no matter how tmi it is if they need the help), that i won't hurt them" and then i was confused like why am i getting so serious about this? most people yell at their kids, ground them or whatever and they're done with it. so then i started going through my memory files and omigosh i almost cried. i started remembering all the times i felt useless, angry, just terrible bc of how my parents treated me. ik it's not bad but just how they don't act like my parents a lot of the times, they treat me more like a sibling or a friend, there's no respect and they don't really have that parental kinda love and affection, that's probably why i'm so touch starved but i panic and get all sweaty and red and shaky the moment someone holds my hand or leans on me or hugs me.

the one thing that i hope will keep me from becoming like my parents is a memory that heavily stuck with me from one of my first conventions. i was at a supernatural convention and kim rhodes was onstage. she got asked some question about parenting and she was talking about her own daughter. and i remember what she said so vividly bc it made me tear up the first time i heard it, i used to replay those same five seconds in the video i record bc hearing it made me feel like i had the key to why my relationship was so strained wig my parents and the key to not forcing my own kid to go through the same thing i did. basically, she said that for her daughter (but also kinda all kids in general too) some things will seem like a big deal but not to kim. and she said that she always keeps that in mind, to treat it like a big deal in the way her daughter does. and i just imagined how much easier a lot of the fights i had with my mom would be if she understood that some things seem bigger to me than they are. bc yes i am a lot more reactive and emotional. idk, that's also why i'm kinda scared to have kids, i don't want them to feel alienated or like they can't be honest with me, whatever, maybe when (and if) i get a partner they'll know how to deal with everything better than i will.

so community is freaking awesome, so is avatar, and glee sucks but it's awesome to watch bc some parts are funny and i like the songs (and santana) unus annus is great and it gets me really inspired to make yt vids with my friends (bc I love them and miss them and earlier today i was thinking about some of my friends and i had the feeling like we don't talk at all so we aren't friends and that scared me) love victor is cool but also kinda boring, detroit become human makes me feel more empathetic and smart and cool for some reason, tangled the series is great but honestly i need more of that good old lesbian energy, did i just name everything that is passing as my entertainment nowadays? yes. am i watching like 5 shows at the same time? (8 counting glee, the office, and a series of unfortunate events bc i'm technically rebinging those so they don't count) yes.

anyways i really don't want to be a bad parent, i know i'm stupid but now a test score has confirmed that for me, musicals or music in general is freaking awesome, tv shows are great, buh bye!

7/16/20

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