Chapter 10

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"No matter how much I fight them, no matter how hard I try to climb out of this hell, their sinister claws always pull me back down, ensuring I'm a captive for life."


As soon as the door slams on her way out I collapse on the bathroom floor, this sudden tsunami of emotions literally knocking the air out of my lungs.

I don't deserve anything different, really. I've been an absolute asshole, without any good reason. She's right, she shows me trust and respect and kindness, and she never ever asked for anything in return except that I at least fucking try.

And I did, I swear. I tried. I prepared breakfast to go and talk to her, but as soon as she mentioned leaving the house and talking to other people I just panicked. I couldn't do that. I can't do that.

"You didn't have to fly off the fucking handle, though..." I mutter to myself as I try to catch my breath, lifting myself onto the bathtub before slowly taking a seat on the edge. With my elbows resting on my thighs I rest my head in my hands, my fingers pulling at my hair as I take deep controlled breaths, knowing it's the best way to get my heart rate down.

I need to get this under control. Either that or I have to leave this place. It's not fair to Mia, who literally only ever tried to help me.

The worst thing is that I have no fucking idea why I'm behaving this way. I went through this shit during my studies. Technically I have an idea of what I'm going through, seven stages of grief and shit, but I cannot find it within me to control my emotions, to even understand them. I feel numb, but my mind is fighting the feeling, it's trying to crawl out of its paralysis, but to no avail. Because I'm being pulled into this void, the demons of my past pushing me deeper and deeper until it swallows me whole, and no matter how much I fight them, no matter how hard I try to climb out of this hell, their sinister claws always pull me back down, ensuring I'm a captive for life.

I am swinging from emotional torpor to pure and utter despair and back again, every single day. And sometimes, sometimes I swing in a different direction, a direction that allows me a glimpse of what I could have again, of the light that I stopped believing in. It only happened a few times, but every single time there was one person who triggered it, to an extent. The same person I basically treated like trash on multiple occasions.

Without knowing what I'm doing I climb into the bathtub, starting the water without even caring about the clothes I'm still wearing. Clothes she gave me.

The cold water fills the tub, and I watch as it rises and rises, ignoring the stinging pain on my skin as it swallows me with every fresh gallon. The chilling sensation running through my veins has me paralyzed, and I don't even know how long I'm sitting in here, to be honest. The thoughts are hammering into my brain, taking over my senses and electrifying my sanity.

At some point I realize that I started shaking, and it becomes obvious that with the way my skin wrinkles I must have been in here for hours. My teeth start clattering, and I guess it's right then that I realize I'm probably hypothermic. I need to get out of this bath, or else my body will go into complete shutdown.

No idea why I suddenly care about that, but I actually manage to stop the water and get out of the tub, wrapping one of Mia's large towels around me to warm myself up.

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