knock me down you know i'm coming right back

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btr was ultimate simp band, also you cannot convince me logan and carlos were not the best members of the band. i probably loved carlos so much bc he was like the only ethnic one. also remember the jennifer that was black? i had the biggest crush like i thought she was the most beautiful one.

i never realized how romantic all of my childhood songs were. like you could listen to my fav songs and they are all about wooing girls. i remember watching tv shows and movies where the guy totally fails at trying to win a girl over and i was just like "you're doing it all wrong. if i were in that scenario, i would blah blah blah" or i would imagine what it would be like to be able to date girls bUT I'M NOT GAY

i was looking at my pictures from when i was younger and i just thought about how i didn't know i was pan or enby at that time, how i wasn't aware of how hard everything was, and i was about to cry. for some reason, i felt detached from my childhood. like i drastically changed and not in a good way. obviously ik i did change for the better, i'm a much better person now than i was then. but i just felt weird. like you know how ridiculous those parents sound when they say i miss my little boy or something when their son comes out as gay? as if it's two different people and the current one is an impostor? that's how i felt rn.

you know what, i just realized i haven't dissociated in a long time. i used to feel like that every day, i'd feel like everything was fake and i wasn't in my own life. but i haven't done that for a while. maybe this quarantine was the break i needed. i started feeling that more often than i should've around feb and march. and i was rewatching dealing with intrusive thoughts and there was one line that's been echoing in my head that for some reason i never payed attention to before. logan is talking about when you should get help, and one of the things he lists is feeling like your life isn't your own. ig i never payed much attention to it before but i heard it and i was like crap.

anyways, i really wish i could rewatch vampire academy. that movie is freaking gold, actually it's kinda terrible but i love it. if i could show someone, i totally would. but every time i've showed it to my family, they hated it. i'm sure my friends wouldn't spare it a second glance. all that and i literally cannot watch it anywhere. i don't think i have the dvd and every streaming platform that has it requires an add on that i don't have so :(

kleinsen and expensive headphones, i have just decided, are the best ships in their respective fandoms. they're both the second most popular gay ships in their fandoms and honestly they make the most sense. yes, treebros is nice but i honestly only see evan and connor as best friends that understand each other's anxiety and shiz. boyf riends is cool but honestly i feel like michael really only loves jeremy as his bff. no, i don't think jere and christine would work, and yes rich x jake is very cute and makes sense but hear me out.

with kleinsen, jared totally helped evan with the connor project bc he was WHIPPED, he tells evan he only hangs with him for car insurance, and acts like a jerk around him, bc (1) he doesn't want him to find out (2) he wants to look cool in front of him, ya know, that 'i don't care' front (3) jared is naturally bad at showing his emotions/affection. evan is always looking for a way to act cool in front of jared, even though he's a complete dork, and he genuinely makes an effort to get jared to like him. plus have you read the script?? kleinsen is like a giant ink blotch on every single page.

now for expensive headphones. you know after the squipcident, it's still hard for michael to fully forgive jeremy for what went down, their friendship is kinda worn down bc of what happened so they don't have the same bond anymore. but jeremy still wants his best friend, and so does micha, so jere pulls mikey along with him to hang out with the squip squad. after they were all squipped, you know they all got along better. but anyways before that, micha is visiting jere in the hospital like every day before he wakes up and since rich is in the same room, they get to talk A LOT. rich gets to embrace his bisexuality and comes out to michael, michael shows him there is nothing wrong and he is okay. rich kinda sees that micha is like the only person who understands him, he knows about the squipcident, he knows he's bi, and rich's true dorky self gets along fabulously with michael's nerdy personality. so now that micha hangs out more with the others, rich gets to know him better and hang out with him more. like THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING (that metaphor doesn't apply here i just really wanted to say that)

boyf riends is basic. so is treebros. hanphy (is that zoe x evan??) is okay but we all know it doesn't last and would never last in any circumstance. stagedorks is okay but it would not last. christine barely knows anything about jeremy and vice versa. remember the half of it? the way the boy described aster was too basic, just like jeremy. she's pretty, smart, funny, talented, there's nothing personal, she's just aesthetically pleasing. so that would not work out. kleinphy barely makes any sense. connor and jared practically hate each other, maybe they could be friends if evan ever brought them together but their hate isn't some cute i love/hate you thing, it's too sincere in my opinion.

okay i just counted it and i literally wrote a 500 word essay on why kleinsen and expensive headphones are superior pFFT-

okay that's enough of my gay ass. janus, roman, remus, and logan are by far the hottest and best sides. like y'all remember that lil look faux-gan gives thomas when he realizes jan isn't actually lo? hnnggggg so gay for that look. or jan as pat in every scene?? i really love janus :)) but yeah there's parts where the others are beautiful but janus and logan are superior god tier. roman and remus are just below them. then patton and virgil are randomly fluctuating. there are times when i'm like "yes by far the best sides!!" but other times i'm just like "meh, give me more snake boi and trash man bothering prince and teacher"

anyways that's it, i'm very uncomfortable and angry today bc of SOMETHING but whatever. buh bye!

7/6/20

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